Your Source for Everything You Want to Know (and more) about 24

POSTED BY:  AUspank 

 

Just in case you’ve been living under a huge boulder and haven’t heard the news…

 

Katee Sackhoff will be on Season 8 of 24!!!!

The SPanks were majorly excited when we first heard about this. Soon, however, we realized that most of us had never watched 24. The idea of doing a marathon catch up of the first 7 seasons frightened many Spanks. It’s just too daunting of a task. And quite frankly, many of us are just too lazy to pull off something like that.

So here is a little primer to get you started…

What we know so far…

We know very little in fact. Katee will be playing the role of Dana Walsh, a highly respected and down-to-earth data analyst at the new and improved New York branch of CTU. Sackhoff’s character will be in a relationship with fellow agent Davis Cole played by Freddie Prinze, Jr. In true 24 fashion, Dana Walsh has some big secret she’s trying to keep secret.

We have yet to come across any legitimate pictures from the set. What we do have though, is a sketchy video that some brave soul risked life and limb to capture at Comic Con.

We also have some equally dodgy screencaps from that video.


But hey, SPanks aren’t too choosey and we’ll take what we can get. We just hope we get to see a lot more of Katee in that little black dress.

Just what is 24? 24 is an American serial action/drama television series. Broadcast by Fox in the United States and syndicated worldwide, the show first aired on November 6, 2001. 24 is the second longest-running espionage series in television history, behind the original Mission: Impossible by number of episodes and The Avengers by longevity of broadcast.

24 is broadcast in “real time”, with each season depicting a 24-hour period in the life of Jack Bauer, who works with the United States government as it fights fictitious terrorist threats to the United States. Bauer is often in the field for the Los Angeles Counter Terrorist Unit as it tries to safeguard the nation from terrorist threats. The show also follows the actions of other CTU agents, government officials and terrorists associated with the plot. The first six seasons of the show were all based in Los Angeles and nearby locations in California. Departing from tradition, the seventh season is set primarily in Washington, D.C. and the eight season will take place in New York City.

Interesting fact I learned while doing my exhaustive research…

Immediately prior to 24, series co-creators Joel Surnow and Robert Cochran executive-produced La Femme Nikita. Both series deal with anti-terrorist operations, and the lead characters of both series are placed in situations where they must make a tragic choice in order to serve the greater good. As a result, the on and off-screen creative connections between 24 and LFN are highly pronounced. Numerous actors from LFN have portrayed similar roles on 24, a number of story concepts from LFN have been revisited on 24, and many of the creative personnel from LFN currently work (or have worked) on 24 in the same capacity.

Well, I thought it was neat anyway.

Who’s in 24?
24 is known for making major changes to its main cast every season. The exception being Kiefer Sutherland, who is the only main cast member to star in all seven seasons to date. Due to the unpredictable nature of each season's storyline, main cast members are added and dropped frequently. Season 8 Main Characters and Cast

• Jack Bauer, portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland
• Chloe O'Brian, portrayed by Mary Lynn Rajskub
• Omar Hassan, portrayed by Anil Kapoor
• Renee Walker, portrayed by Annie Wersching
• Brian Hastings, portrayed by Mykelti Williamson
• Dana Walsh, portrayed by Katee Sackhoff
• Rob Weiss, portrayed by Chris Diamantopoulos
• Arlo Glass, portrayed by John Boyd
• Cole Ortiz, portrayed by Freddie Prinze Jr.
• Allison Taylor, portrayed by Cherry Jones

So what’s happened up to now? (this is all you really care about isn’t it?)
In an effort to be spoiler conscious, I'm only posting links to the wikipedia main article for each season. These are very detailed summaries and should have everything you need to know (and more) to get caught up with what's happened.

WARNING: LINKS VERY SPOILERIFIC. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Season 1 Recap: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_(season_1)
Season 2 Recap: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_(season_2)
Season 3 Recap: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_(season_3)
Season 4 Recap: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_(season_4)
Season 5 Recap: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_(season_5)
Season 6 Recap: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_(season_6)
Redemption Recap: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24:_Redemption
(Redemption is a television movie which aired on November 23, 2008, bridging the gap between the sixth and seventh seasons of 24.)
Season 7 Recap: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_(season_7)

So there you have it. Everything you ever wanted to know (and more) about 24. There's also a brand new thread at the treehouse for SPanks to discuss and appreciate Dana Walsh. Go...have fun!

 

http://www.teamspank.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=191

My Sources...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_(TV_series)
Pretty much everything (with just a few exceptions) was copied almost directly from wiki. It’s not plagiarism if you say you’re doing it, is it? I did make a few edits and tried to make it as grammatically correct as I could. ;)
http://www.cinemablend.com/television/Katee-Sackhoff-Joins-24-s-Eighth-Season-18040.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V68ZYe1WOi8"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V68ZYe1WOi8

Katee Sackhoff and "The Twilight Saga" Saga: The Color Brown and Sparkle Dots

POSTED BY:  FatApolloLoveSpank 

 

The Color Brown and Sparkle Dots

(or The Three Step Guide For How To Land A Role In the Fourth and Final Installment of
“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” As Applied To The Katee Sackhoff)

So, word on the streets (internet) is that Katee Sackhoff is a huge fan of “The Twilight Saga: Twilight”. Now, we at Team SPank think this is just absolutely wonderful (a small minority of us think this is wonderful…but luckily we are the minority that have the ability to post articles). According to one of our Team Members and Co-Founders and Site-Owners and Token-Australians (MaxiSpank), The Katee Sackhoff has expressed a real interest in being “in” one of “The Twilight Saga” movies. This is also just wonderful. Almost too wonderful….to be expressed with words other than “wonderful”.

Now, MaxiSpank learned of this secret (not secret at all) desire of our TeamLeader’s to be involved in “The Twilight Saga” by attending some “convention” in “Australia” where The Katee Sackhoff wore a Twilight “T-shirt” and proclaimed her willingness to “sneak” onto set and portray a “shrub”. We are here to tell you, Katee Sackhoff, we have experienced your acting chops and this is not necessary. Not at all.

Still, we know (we don’t know at all) what a weird incestuous inbred sex creepy system Hollywood can be. Maybe you don’t have the proper “in” to be….”in” one of these “movies”. Well, this is where Team SPank can help you.

We, being the stalky, no-life-having, obsessive assholes that we are, have scoured the internet searching for ways in which we can bypass the system and hook The Katee Sackhoff up with a part in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” (maybe The Katee Sackhoff is willing to be in any of the movies…but Team SPank has their standards. Only the most cracked out, throwed, special vampire LSD movie will do).

We have found a way.

Step 1: Acquire Deep, Rich, Popping Brown Eyes
Here’s the deal, Katee Sackhoff. Maybe you didn’t know this, but you have hazely green sort of eyes.

I don’t know by what misfortune you came by these eyes, probably you were born with them. The fact of the matter is, they simply will not do for “The Twilight Saga”. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What? My eyes are so totally awesome! They are really dynamic and sometimes they switch colors depending on what I wear and my God they’re just so flipping sexy!”. Yeah well, you’re wrong. Team SPank maybe thought that once (or twice) about your eyes a long, long time (a few months) ago but I have long since seen the light.

You see, the lead actress in “The Twilight Saga: Twilight” and the upcoming “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” , Kristen Stewart, once had eyes like yours. And, I mean, maybe even a little worse. She was sporting some seriously pale green eyes.

However, you’ll notice that those green eyes just weren’t cutting the mustard and never made it into the movie. And it’s not a surprise. I mean, greens and blues are so light and empty and people who have them cannot be taken seriously. Ever. Kristen Stewart knew this going in. And you know what? She did something about it.

Do you see what she did there? It’s pretty subtle, I know, but notice her eyes. They’re a color. A dark color yet bright. I mean, her eyes are just this rich dark vibrant popping brown. The brownest of the brown, like if you mix oak and stained chestnut with just a hint of aged leather.

I know what you’re thinking now. “How can I make my eyes less green and more brown?”. Well, Katee Sackhoff, I’m glad you asked. You see, you are at a natural advantage over Kristen Stewart. Her eyes were just this pale, lifeless boring green. You have hazel eyes…which might have some brown naturally in them!

Basically what you need to do it wear more brownish sort of clothes to help with that. The green in your eyes will reflect the brown off the brown so that they appear a more popping brown than they are. Never, ever wear green or light green. Your eyes will just go bananas with color and general greenness and everyone DISLIKES THAT A LOT. Vivid, fucked up disdain is what everyone feels…for that color (green) in your eyes.
However, if you want to seriously pursue a role in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” you’re going to need to consider a more “extreme” approach. Basically you’re going to need to obtain contacts (legally or illegally…do what you need to do) that are brown. Like a sort of brown that pops and is all sparks and fire and is in no way lifeless and dull compared to colors like green or other such colors.

You see? Look at how happy and “having-a-role-in-the-movie” Kristen Stewart is with her brown eyes.

“It’s the color ‘brown’ I think…but it’s not just brown like the crayon or anything. It’s more beautiful brown. Like fresh earth dirt in a summer garden in a lake in Vermont, mixed with a rich stallion brown that has just a hint of red/brown if the sun hits it the right way, and just the tiniest little smidge of that light cracked dry desert brown. There’s even a little hint of the brown you see in the Mississippi Delta, that’s called ‘Delta brown’. It’s all those beautiful brown colors mixed together, put in contact form and placed over her eyes. It’s like…poetry. ” – LittleSpank (DJ)

Now, in the case that you do decide to go the contact-route, then feel free to wear any amounts of greens you want.

As long as the greens aren’t in your eyes, feel free to sport the color proudly. In fact, the green can be used much to your advantage in making your eyes a more fiery, lively, popping sex brown that pops.

Step 2: Embrace Sparkle Dots As Part of Your Life
Alright, this is what’s happening in the world of “The Twilight Saga: Twilight”. There are vampires sparkling. That is something that happened. And it’s going to happen in “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” and it’s going to happen A LOT in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” (which is, I believe, the role you’re going for). This is probably the most fantastic vampire myth ever to be called “canon” in anything.

It has recently come to the attention of Team SPank that the sparkles seen in the movie on the skin of one Edward Cullen were not his own. They were in fact, possibly, CGI. Well, being the curious little hookers that we are, we carried on not giving a shit. Then, while perusing some Kristen Stewart photo galleries (that are amazingly organized and up to date compared with our own gallery) in order to leer and ogle Stewart’s infamous “bitchface” we stumbled across some pictures from the set of the yet-to-be-released “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”.

Our first thought was “Check out that green shirt and how it makes those brown eyes pop.”

Our second thought was “Holy fuck, look at Kristen Stewart grinding on the Pattz’ shit”.

Our third thought was “Look at Kristen Stewart running. She’s not athletic at all. That’s going to be fucking awkward as hell to watch.”

Our fourth thought was “Wow. A spray-on six pack. ALSO AWKWARD.”

But the fifth thing we thought was what we really want to talk about.
And that would be “What are those…things….on…..are those…..dots?”

And you know what? They’re dots.

But they’re not just any dots. No, no. After much deliberation and thorough analysis we came to the conclusion that this scene takes place when the sun…is out.
Which, Katee Sackhoff, you know can only mean ONE THING.

Yes. Those are sparkle dots.

And you need to get some….on you.

Step 3: Go Audition.
So, imagine this:

You walk in, strutting your stuff, wearing something sexy, your hair looks just really phenomenal, you’re smiling and confident, you’re slightly drunk from the wine you were just pounding back on the ride here. The audition people look you up and down and say “Wow. What an amazing, sexy, confident, drunk young woman. Who is she?” As luck would have it, they do not recognize you from the unfortunate occurrence on the set of “The Twilight Saga: Twilight”. You’re good to go.

Just as they’re about to immediately cast you on the spot, they hesitate. “Wait. If only there was something…..more.”

That, Katee Sackhoff, is when you shed the jacket you were wearing (did I not mention that? You’re wearing a fairly large, bulky, yet sexy overcoat) revealing that you have meticulously and artfully donned several dozen (hundreds) of sparkle dots. The audition people don’t know where these dots came from, nor do they feel the need to inquire. They are immediately dazzled.

So, they’re as good as signing the papers (you know, those papers that say…”yes” to you being in the movie. Those papers) and they pause…again.

So they look at your clothes and they notice that you’re not wearing green. This would normally be a good thing, considering the status of your eyeballs’ color. But something is different. Something very nearly indescribable. They can imagine that if you were wearing green it would do….something…for your eyes. But what? It would definitely make them more…something.

That’s what they realize that your eyes are no longer their natural ugly hazel green. They are now like a sort of softness of wet mud mixed with dark chocolate and milk chocolate and Mexican hot chocolate with a hint of light tree trunk and cloves where when the sun hits it it's got a hint of rusty chain link fence red and it's just so earthy and delicious and it's like someone managed to capture the essence of nature and rusty fences and somehow harness that into these tiny...things...that you put in your eyes to cover the color green.

You are hired.

Katee at Comic Con 2009 - 24 Panel Transcripts

POSTED BY:  SnowflakeSpank 

 

Disclaimer: I did not go to Comic Con, this is all from videos found around the web. I only transcribed the Katee stuff, because as far as I'm concerned, she was the only celebrity in the room!

Thanks: So much thanks to all those who went and captured this goodness for us losers sitting at home... because really who is the bigger loser: the person attending a "Con" or the person sitting at his/her computer searching for video from the "Con" as soon as they could possibly be uploaded? Yep. Thats right. We pretend to be too cool to go, but we are easily just as lame!

**********
Katee Moment ONE: The moderator has begun talking to the new cast members of the show and has just finished a question with Freddie Prince Junior about being a big fan of 24 and the character he will be playing this season.

Moderator: "There's a familiar face right next to Freddie. A lot of fans [completely drowned out by cheers] Thank you, grateful to see Miss Katee Sackhoff back on television and so Katee tell us again how you came to this show again a little sneak on who you'll be portraying."

Katee: "Um, well I think that- that I found out that there was a role and I kinda called my-it's a long story but I basically called my manager and was like get me on 24. So through a long process I finally ended up on - on the show but um, I play Dana [pause] Walsh. Sorry I had to make sure I got the last name right, its changed a couple times. Almost called her something else. I play Starbuck [laughs] (crowd goes wild) Um I play a character named Dana Walsh, who is engaged to Cole (motions to Freddie Prince Jr. who pumps his fist causing Katee and crowd to laugh) Um, and she is a um data analyst at CTU, and um, thats all I can tell you. I don't want to give too much away! All I can say is that I sat down in the writer room with Howard and everybody and I said- and I read the scripts and was like this is fantastic, at some point I need a gun. Oh boy. Because I'm starting to feel really naked. So I'm like, this computer stuff is great and everything and I love saying all the big complicated words (not really) um but um, I need a gun. And two, preferably. " (crowd cheers, Freddie Prince Jr. leans over to whisper something to her that makes her laugh)

********
Katee Moment TWO: Mary Lynn Rajskub is answering the moderator's question about the different aspect of her character that was seen last season with her becoming a mom and how her character will be different this season.

Katee smiles and waves in response to Mary Lynn Rajskub's reference to her character being Chloe's boss.

(this is, in my opinion, the only good part of this answer)
********
Katee Moment THREE: Questions from the audience

Audience member: "This question is for Katee. You were involved in your previous show from the beginning. How has it been for coming into this show that's been around for 7 years?"

Katee: "Um, Its been interesting. It- the show - everyone is welcoming me with open arms. I think - I said the other day I couldn't have left - or found an experience that was so much like Battlestar Galactica in- in the sense that everyone is a family, the hours are kinda similar, um and I really really enjoy working with everyone and everyone enjoys working with each other so its just a very seamless transition for me to come into, so its - its been really nice. So."

****
Katee Moment FOUR: Questions from the audience

Audience Member: "Hi Katee (Katee waves excitedly) After playing Starbuck for the past 5 years and really owning that role, (crowd yelps and hollers) rebellious tomboy [unheard] and yet being very feminine in real life, how are you going to bring that all together in this role?"

Katee: "um its - its - starbuck was so much fun and she was so strong and it was kind of like therapy to get to go to work and beat people up and ya know... it really was, I kind of miss beating people up because this character is not that. So um its, its I think that every character on television has a little bit of yourself because I think its just easier to go to work and play this character if its just a side of yourself so this is just kind of the sweeter side of myself, ya know. For a while. I can't give too much away. Like, I'm trying not to say too much. I don't - seriously, I might get fired, I have no job security whatsoever. On 24 you have no job security, I could get my head cut off and put in a duffle bag for evidence."

Twilight Turmoil - The Spanker Civil War - Sackhoff Implored to Mediate

POSTED BY:  bellaspank 

 

This article is a cry out for help to our Team Leader. TeamSpank is in total disarray. The Spankers are distraught. Never in it's entire long and colorful history has TeamSPank seen such conflict. Such tension. Such hate. We are at a crossroads and this is all because of Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores). It has split our beloved Team right down the middle and it's frankly getting ugly. We need some guidance - some intervention - before our whole world of SPanking turns completely to shit. Our Team Leader is something of an expert on this issue and so we're sure she'll know what to do. TeamSpank can survive without BSG, without Lost & Found, without The Last Sentinel even, but I don't think we're going to be able to survive this.

Katee - helpppppppppp!

Things have gotten so out of hand that some Spankers are trying to 'psych out' their fellow Spankers with emotional warfare. For example, founding spanker FatApolloLoveSpank, has taken to shoving the following picture down her oppositions' throats in an all out assault on her Twilight foes.

Pure evil. And pretty damn funny. Some spankers have taken to tricking others into watching YouTube vids of Twilight scenes by renaming the link "Katee Sackhoff Lost & Found Promo". That's just fucking low.
Yes the Spankers are divided. On one side we've got the "Twilight Lovers" and on the other side we've got the "Twilight Haters". Then we've also got this fence-sitting in between group - the "Twilight Couldn't Give A Shitters".
Some Spankers really seem to HATE Twilight. So much so that the TeamSpank Executive Council have had to impose some special measures at the TeamSpank Treehouse. They have set the word censor to work, preventing some of the more contentious, shit-stirring words being used by belligerent Spankers. Here are a couple of examples:

• The word "Twilight" now becomes - "Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores)".
  Let's call a spade a spade. Katee Sackhoff does adore Twilight and the "haters" need that fact shoved down their throats as often as possible.

• The word "hate" now becomes - "love with the fire of a thousand suns".
  We don't 'hate' at TeamSpank, so those hostile outbursts have got to stop. (Blame/thank SwimSpank for this one).

see below for some examples of usage

Make no mistake - Katee Sackhoff is a Twilight Lover. There is no debate about this. Spankers have personally, with their own eyes, live and in living color, seen our Team Leader wear a Twilight T-Shirt. You don't wear a T-Shirt and force your boyfriend to watch the movie under sufferance if you are a "Hater" or a "Couldn't Give A Shitter". The very fact that this woman bothers to launder clothing that is ablaze with a Twilight logo shows TRUE commitment.

Evidence (as doctored by DJspanker)

Even though my namesake is a protagonist in the story, I would still fall into the "Twilight Couldn't Give A Shitter" group - I haven't seen a frame of the movie or read a page of the book series and I don't understand what all the fuss is about, (although I must say the lead boy and girl seem fairly enticing). Having said that, I am predisposed to favoring the 'Twilight Lovers', purely because it's fun getting a rise out of the people who seem to love with the fire of a thousand suns it so much. But whichever way Spankers swing on this issue, we need to resolve the conflict now. Stop the insanity! Can't we all just try to get along?

Katee Sackhoff - what on earth are we going to do? Help!!!!

__________________________________

A sample of Twilight word censor usage, courtesy of Stylo Spanker. This is what he typed:

And as twilight approaches through the window behind my desk,....I realise that I did not get to eat today and only drank half of the coke on my desk. But a half a coke by twilight is better than no coke at all and soon my twilight snacks will be just smashing.

The censor changed it to this:

And as Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores) approaches through the window behind my desk,....I realise that I did not get to eat today and only drank half of the coke on my desk. But a half a coke by Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores) is better than no coke at all and soon my Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores) snacks will be just smashing.

If anyone quotes or repeats Stylo, then the truly sublime Twilight Infinite Loop Anomaly kicks in and you get this:

And as Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores)(which Katee Sackhoff adores) approaches through the window behind my desk,....I realise that I did not get to eat today and only drank half of the coke on my desk. But a half a coke by Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores)(which Katee Sackhoff adores) is better than no coke at all and soon my Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores)(which Katee Sackhoff adores) snacks will be just smashing.

Yes the Twilight word censor is a thing of rare beauty. It mightn't be doing much to help end the Civil War Crisis, but it's certainly fun knowing that everytime the "haters" see it, they die just a little bit more on the inside.

De l'influence de TeamSPank sur les fans de Katee...

POSTED BY:  Sarah (aka RiriSpank)

Comme Maxi m'y a invitée plusieurs fois, il est grand temps que je poste un article en Français sur TeamSpank... Après tout, c'est un site international, censé réunir tous les fans de Katee, donc il est bien normal que la webmiss de la seule source francophone (Dossier Katee Sackhoff) ajoute son grain de sel. Et c'est justement après une mise à jour de mon site que je suis amenée à me pencher sur une question de la plus cruciale importance : dans quelle mesure TeamSpank déteint-elle sur les fans de Katee - vous et moi, donc ? (je dis "elle", pour TeamSpank, par rapport au mot "Team" qui, en français, signifie "équipe")

Autrefois d'une innocence sans égale et en plus pure admiration devant notre TeamLeader - autrement dit Katee Sackhoff - je surprends les news de mon site à adopter un ton de plus en plus sarcastique vis-à-vis de Ms Sackhoff. Jugez en par vous-mêmes :

C'est officiel, nous pouvons à présent affirmer avec certitude que Katee sait taper à l'ordinateur ! Mieux que ça, elle sait changer son statut sur Facebook...

Depuis quand est-ce que je me permets de supposer ainsi que Katee ne sait pas se servir d'un ordinateur ? Qui m'a donné des ailes pour me montrer aussi ironique ? Où ai-je trouvé le courage et l'inspiration pour pondre de pareilles horreurs ?

La réponse est très simple : TeamSPank !
D'ailleurs, pour bien comprendre le but et l'origine de ce groupe, force est de remonter à la signification même du nom de cette équipe. "Spank" signifie "donner une fessée"... Honnêtement, pour un site de fans, c'est un peu bizarre de prendre un nom aussi insolent. Sans compter qu'ils l'ont volé sans scrupule au frangin de Katee, Erick.
Alors, quel est exactement l'objectif de ce site ? Donner une fessée à Katee ?

Virtuellement, sans aucun doute, car quand on lit les messages des membres de l'équipe postés sur le forum ou sur le blog, on réalise deux choses : la première, c'est qu'ils ont un âge mental moyen de 7 ans (et encore, je suis généreuse), et la deuxième, c'est qu'ils n'ont absolument pas peur des conséquences des mots qu'ils écrivent. En un sens, tant mieux : on s'amuse beaucoup, et on ne se prend pas du tout au sérieux. Mais vraiment, est-ce bien raisonnable, alors que nous savons pertinemment que Katee sait lire - même si elle ne se balade pas en permanence sur les sites qui lui sont consacrés -, et que sa môman a déjà posté sur le forum de scifi.com (ce qui veut dire qu'elle aussi sait lire, wow).

Tout cela pour dire que si Katee prête trop attention à ce qui est posté sur ce blog et le forum qui lui est attaché, elle va finir par se demander ce qu'elle a fait pour mériter tant de fessées - parce que croyez-moi, elle s'en prend plein la figure, si l'on regarde de près. Et je ne mentionnerai même pas les différents messages descendant en flèche le malheureux film "The Last Sentinel" - dont j'avais d'ailleurs écrit une critique inoubliable sur feu mon blog.

Et là est certainement mon erreur : passer trop de temps à lire les messages - hilarants, j'en conviens - émanant directement de l'esprit tordus des SPanks - dont je fais partie bien sûr. De fait, leur ton s'est immiscé dans ma petite tête et ressort à présent en direct par mes doigts - toujours aux dépens de notre pauvre Katee.

Pour finir, une question s'impose : le dicton très célèbre "qui aime bien châtie bien" peut-il s'appliquer ici ? Allez, disons que oui... parce que de toute façon, on s'amuse tellement que ce serait dommage d'arrêter :p Noooon, pas tirer, Katee !

IN ENGLISH, FOR MY UNEDUCATED READERS ^_^

The influence of TeamSPank on Katee's fans...

As Maxi invited me several times to post something in French on the Spank Blog (cause yes, Maxi, you did ;-)), it's high time I wrote an article... After all, this is an international site, that is supposed to gather all Katee fans, so it's only normal the webmiss of the only French resource (Dossier Katee Sackhoff) should put in her two cents. Actually, it's right after I posted an update on my site that I felt the need to deal with a highly topical question : what influence does TeamSPank have on Katee fans - you and me ?

I used to be an innocent lamb and in such an awe of our TeamLeader - aka Katee Sackhoff -, but I've noticed that the articles on my site tend to take on a more and more sarcastic tone towards Ms Sackhoff. Judge for yourself :

It's official, we can now assert without a doubt that Katee can type on a computer ! Even better, she knows how to update her status on Facebook...

Since when do I take the liberty of assuming Katee can't use a computer ? Who made me feel exhilarated enough to become so ironic ? Where did I find the courage and the inspiration to write such horrifying stuff ?

The answer is quite simple : TeamSPank !

*In this paragraph, I explain what SPank means in French so I won't translate that part... it would seem ridiculous* But seriously, it's kinda weird for a fansite to choose such an insolent name. Not to mention they stole it with no qualms from Katee's brother, Erick.

So what is exactly this site's objective ? Spanking Katee ? Virtually of course, because when you read the messages the SPankers write both on the forum and on the blog, you realize two things : first, they have the mental age of a 7 year old (and I'm generous), and secondly, they are not at all concerned with the consequences their words might have. It's a good thing, in a way : we have a lot of fun and really don't take ourselves seriously. But honestly, is it reasonable, although we do know Katee can read - even if she doesn't visit the sites dedicated to her everyday -, and her mom has alledgedly posted a few messages on the scifi.com boards (which means she can read too, wow).

*This paragraph is intended for a French audience that doesn't understand what's written by TeamSPank, so it's kind of useless in English* : Anyway, if Katee does indeed read what's posted on this blog and the forum, she might ask herself what she did to deserve so much spanking - because, believe me, she takes a lot of slaps in the face, if you look closely. And I won't even mention all the messages regarding the poor "Last Sentinel" movie - that I had written a unforgettable critic about on my blog.

And that's probably my mistake : spending too much time reading the - hilarious, I agree - messages coming straight from the SPanks' twisted minds - I'm one of them, of course. Therefore, the tone they use made its way into my little head and now comes out through my fingers - still at the expense of poor Katee.

So a question remains : does the famous proverb "Qui bene amat bene castigat" (latin for : Who loves well castigates well) apply here ? Okay, let's say it does... because anyway, we have so much fun that it would be a shame to stop now :p nooo, don't shoot me, Katee !

The TeamSPank Bee Sting Crisis Center

The TeamSPank Bee Sting Crisis Center

aka

Don't Pull ...........Scrape!!!

TeamSPank have recently made the startling discovery that our Team Leader is not only allergic to bees, she is Fucking Terrified Of Them!!! Not only is she Fucking Terrified Of Them AND Allergic to them, she also becomes Mildly Psychotic when they invade her personal space.

Evidence Exhibit A

Prevention

Naturally, as her concerned constituents, we feel that we need to do all that we can to prevent anything unforeseen happening to our SPanker Chief. Unfortunately there is very little we can do to prevent any bees from encroaching on her territory in day to day life. For instance, she might be picking daises in the backyard with which to bedazzle her motorbike, when she inadvertently 'cock blocks' a poor old bee who's just trying to get his regular afternoon honey fix. Nothing TeamSPank can do about that. She might be gunning it down the highway on the said same daisy-bedazzled bike when a rogue bee hits her slap bang in the middle of the face. Nothing TeamSPank can do about that. (Although we did give it a good shot when we tried to convince her to buy a FULL helmet that would have had a protective visor right where that pesky little shit of a bee decided to launch his attack).

Treatment

While the SPankers may not be able to do much in the way of sting prevention we certainly CAN do something on the back-end and help Katee with her emergency treatment. Let's be honest, TeamSPank are no more than a bunch of losers on the internet who really know fuck all about bee sting treatment or anything else that might actually come in handy in real life. But what we can do is GOOGLE!!! So before you read any further below, if you actually for some insane reason find yourself on this page while in the midst of a Katee Sackhoff Bee Sting Crisis, PLEASEEEEE go to the sensible, medically sound sites listed below for help.

Actually, on second thoughts, since bee sting allergies can be serious shit, you need to get the TeamLeader to the hospital ASAP. (If anything untoward happened to The Sackhoff, we might have to start up a TeamTricia Treehouse from scratch, and frankly that would be a fucking drag).

Bee Sting Crisis Center - Legit Links

Bee Sting Allergies & Treatments http://allergies.about.com/od/insectallergies/a/venomallergy.htm Bee Sting Treatment #2 http://firstaid.about.com/od/heatcoldexposure/ht/07_bee_sting.htm

I bet Katee's not smiling

To Pull or To Scrape?

Believe it or not, TeamSPank have done some legitimate research into this subject (which, by our standards, means a 2 minute Google and a quick skim). What we've discovered is that there is much debate about whether or not to scrape off or pull out the stinger. Really, this is a pretty damn controversial topic. The major issue is how much venom gets released into the blood stream.(ta da - evidence of

research skim). Having done this impressive research skim, TeamSPank can confidently recommend that it doesn't really matter what method you use as long as you take that little fucker out as fast as you can.

Phobias

Katee Sackhoff appears to be not only allergic to bees, but pretty shit scared of them too. We've no doubt all heard of the saying "confront your fears". Well, below is something that should help Katee along with this. If she watches this and overcomes her fears, she might still get stung by a bee and the shit could still hit the fan, but at least she won't be frightened anymore.

Here's the link to the full Jace Hall thing - it's made of some serious win (it's also on the media/interview page if you can't watch it at the official site cause you're not an American like me. I can't even tell if that link works).

"how close is the hospital?"

TeamSPank Pimpage Pics

POSTED BY:  AdminiSpanker 

As endorsed by The Sackhoff. Well, she signed them anyway. DJ did most of them. She's the only one around here who has any actual skill, (despite her obvious failings as a human*).

http://www.teamspank.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=389&Itemid=175

Whoever gets to the bottom of the "SP Quirk" issue wins a prize. sarahspank will give you one of her prized official Buffy fan club stickers or something like that (she just doesn't know it yet).

* I think I should be safe to say that as like most of the SPankers, DJ never, ever reads anything anyone else around here writes. In the words of TronSpank, we're the biggest bunch of "grandiose narrassists" he's ever seen. In fact, I'm think of starting one thread for each Spanker at the Treehouse, so we can all go there to write more focused, on-topic shit about ourselves. Actually I don't know whyI'm even typing this. It's not like any of you other SPankers are ever going to notice. Oh well.

Katee Sackhoff and "The Twilight Saga" Saga: Her Scenes Unveiled

POSTED BY:  LittleSpank 

 

Oh yeah, we totally got along on set. I really have no idea what happened because as far as I know her scenes were with Kris and Rob, but I did hear about ‘the incident.’ Kris’s memory is not so fresh on it, but Rob’s is…was. You know what I mean.”-Nikki Reed

“What now?”- Kristen Stewart

“She just called me, she said ‘T-bird, I need you to pick me up from the set…NOW’…she seemed stressed out, so I wasn’t going to press the issue. We didn’t have the chance to talk about it then, and I’m not really sure how she would feel about me talking about it here, with you.”-Tricia Helfer

“yeah, she took ALL of them. The entire BAG!” -Joseph McNulty (Head of Props)

In the second installment of “The Sackhoff and The Twilight Saga Saga” I will attempt to truthfully and realistically reveal to you, the reader, the series of events that changed the entire Twilight movie, by exploring how Katee Sackhoff was almost in the Twilight movie, but for reasons still very unclear to me (anyone) she left the set and was cut from the movie.

The Sackhoff and Her Love For Sparkle Dots: Her Scenes Unveiled

The quotes used to ease you into this article where all taken completely out of context and poached from various interviews. (Seeing as how I am no longer allowed within 500 yards of most of the people in Katee Sackhoff's life or any of the top billed characters in The Twilight Saga, it took some sleek detective work on my part to get the exclusive interviews used for this article.) With that being said, let us explore the truthful merit of the previously mentioned quotes, and how they pertain to possibly the greatest thing…ever. Katee Sackhoff almost having a role in The Twilight Saga: Twilight.

Catherine Hardwicke was a huge fan of Battlestar Galactica, so it only seemed natural that she would attempt to acquire The Sackhoff for a role in her new movie. Unfortunatly, there was not a role in Twilight written for The Sackhoff, so Hardwicke was going to have to take creative control over the situation and MAKE a role for Katee.

In working out a role for The Sackhoff, Katee was brought to the set of the movie to hang out for a few days while the creative team behindThe Twilight Saga: Twilight could figure out her role and how to best work her into the movie, while keeping the “integrity” of the original story close to original canon. (It is rumored that even some of Katee's friends, Jamie Bamber most notably, was very much against Katee doing anything to "mess" with his favorite character in the story, Bella.)

Katee Sackhoff, a self proclaimed fan of Twilight, asked if she could sit in on the filming of some of the key scenes in the book. Hardwicke obliged, and Katee was then allowed to be on set during the filming of several important scenes, all she had to do was sign a confidentially agreement and she could freely sit on set and hang out while they filmed. The scene in which Edward reveals to Bella that he has “the skin of a killer” was the first point that Katee was allowed on set during filming.

Nikki Reed, who was also hanging around the set waiting to shoot her scenes, met up with Katee. They sat in on the filming of that scene, and according to Nikki, Katee started talking to one of the prop guys, "Something about them both being from St. Helens...I don't know", Nikki Reed would later confirm.

There is one account, according to Nikki, that Katee hid in the meadow scene during the shoot and went un-noticed by Hardwicke or any other members of the crew. I could not, in all my investigation find anything that supported Ms. Reed’s claim. I did, however, come across this extremely rare frame. It is rumored that this frame did make it into the theatrical version, but that by the time the movie was on DVD it had been cut out completely.

That supposed "incident" did not get Katee kicked off the set, but there was speculation that a bag of "sparkle dots" went missing. To those of you that do not have an RSS feed of New Moon set pictures, I should probably explain the "sparkle dot" phenomena.

If you can, look closely at Robert’s skin, you will see they are covered in tiny little dots. It is speculated by the Twilight fandom that these dots are meant for CGI purposes to make the vampires have "the skin of a killer." In order for the Post production crew to make this happen, they need what are known as “sparkle dots” Obviously, they come in baggies. After the “supposed” "incident" in the meadow with Ms. Sackhoff, a bag of sparkle dots went missing, and sparkle dots....started showing up in odd places.

Sparkle Dot Incident #1: Katee has a Salmon Burger with Billy Burke, the guy playing Bella’s dad. They bond over mustaches. They talk about how Boy friend Scott and Charlie both have them. They eat salmon burgers. They enjoy the Salmon burgers...a lot.

Within the hour, he was shooting a scene. I present to you, exhibit A:

Katee was spotted walking out of the room where they keep the majority of the props for the Twilight movie. The following scenes where later uncovered:

Katee eventually left the Twilight set, but in my investigation of this topic, a few other pictures surfaced:

It is still a mystery whether or not she left the set on her own accord, or she was asked to leave, or if there was a contract issue, consideringBattlestar Galactica was still filming at that point. Was it the sparkle dot incident that did it? or was it her showing up in almost every significant scene? I guess, based on this evidence I presented, it may have been a little of both.

Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight

Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight

Attention Katee Sackhoff: This "article" was written by the same person who wrote your playlist review - DJ. That should explain a lot. Or nothing at all. TeamSPank really needs to look into getting DJ medicated. Attention Everyone Else: This "article" has some factual merit. Katee Sackhoff does love Twilight and the participants names are spelled correctly. Other than that.......? Attention DJ: You of all people should know that we don't allow fan fiction at TeamSPank HQ. Talk about borderline! Attention Katee Sackhoff again: This is what happens when your fans have no new Sackhoff performances to look forward to. Sorry! Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight By DJ SPank It has recently come to the attention of the SPanks that Katee Sackhoff is a huge fan of The Twilight Saga: Twilight. Whether or not she is a fan of the rest of the books or movies remains to be seen. I have taken it upon myself to do some research on Katee's Fan Girlness when it comes to The Twilight Saga: Twilight, and quickly learned that Katee Sackhoff is as big a fan of Twilight as the Spanks are a fan of her. (Katee, I meant... in case you didn't know who "her" was because sometimes my sentences run on and on and you don't know if "her" is "Katee" or if the her is "Kristen Stewart" or if the her is actually a "him" or an "it" like...Boyfriend Scott or Twilight the actual movie.) PART ONE: Katee Sackhoff Reads The Twilight Saga and Comes Clean To Her Friends Katee first discovered the Twilight Saga when she was on the set of the late Battlestar Galactica. She and co-star Jamie Bamber, were discussing what "motivates" their characters because as we all know, Starbuck was bat shit fucking crazy and not even Katee Sackhoff knew how to handle the character. For Bamber, he felt that his character, Apollo, really identified with the main character in the Twilight saga, Bella. Needless to say, Katee had no desire to delve further into a character that did not belong to her. A few days later, she was killing time between a shoot, and noticed the apple on the front cover and thought "hmm...I'm kinda hungry" so naturally, she read the book. She was able to read the first half of it in that one sitting, then she forgot it existed. This was not much of a surprise, considering how the Twilight book (itself) kinda blows large chunks. One day, as fate would have it, she was getting drunk on some wine looking up Tricia Helfer fan videos on YouTube where she happened upon a link to the Trailer of Twilight. (The "related video" path she took to get her from "Tricia Helfer Fan Vids" to "Twilight" is still a bit of mystery, but my hypothesis is that it was that Michael Westen/Carla Shipper video to "Flightless Bird" which eventually led her to the Twilight trailer.) She watched the trailer and like any normal human being was all, "OH! Totally need to FINISH THAT SHIT!", so she borrowed the book from Jamie, who was now on Breaking Dawn, and not really liking where it was taking Bella/Lee's character. Moving onto the next three books was somewhat of an easy task. She was now done with Battlestar Galactica and mainly just sitting around with Boyfriend Scott and drinking wine. No one is arguing with the notion that THIS is the best way to enjoy the Twilight Saga (drunk, that is). So, upon finishing the book, and having downtime after Battlestar Galactica was over, she decided to "act like a fan" when it came to Twilight. It is not very clear if the night she had with Breaking Dawn sent her from "oh, I like it alright" to "TWILIGHT SQUEE FUCKING SQUEEE!" (in later interviews, even Boyfriend Scott has no idea how this table turned, and neither do we.) So while Katee, for all intents and purposes, went off the grid... neglecting the convention circuit, a very rare photo of her surfaced:  Needless to say, this became NOT OK by her friends and family's standards. They were all, "Katee, what the shit are you doing?" and she was like "But...I live in L.A. and therefore I can be at the movie theater on opening night if I camp out five days early!" So, as a result, Tricia and Boyfriend Scott decided to do a "Wine Country Intervention Retreat." Little did they know, it would change her life, again, for the better. (Not just HER thinking it was for the better, but it actually was going to change for the better, but not REALLY. It's actually kinda weird and convoluted to be honest.) PART TWO: Tricia and Boyfriend Scott Get Katee Drunk In Wine Country... to Force Her to Forget About The Twilight Saga: Twilight Peeling Katee away from the Twilight phenomena proved to be more difficult than either Tricia or Boyfriend Scott anticipated. In the picture above, Katee whipped out a bootleg DVD of Twilight in an attempt to get Tricia to watch the movie with her. As they were prying the DVD from her hand, a series of events would happen, that would change Katee's life...forever. She found Kristen Stewart...: *Disclaimer, this picture is simply a graphical representation based on the accounts of that day/night* Katee was able to compose herself long enough to form a plan. She thought this exactly - "OH MY FUCKING SQUEE FUCK!" - upon seeing Kristen Stewart, (Bella in The Twilight Saga: Twilight), juggling balls in the middle the field of grapes. Katee was going to use her celebrity to her advantage, or at least just remember how she wants people to act around her, and she decided right then "Ok, I'm going to be cool about this." The events that took place after their chance encounter are hazy... at best. In subsequent interviews with Katee, Tricia, Boyfriend Scott and Kristen Stewart, it's impossible to get a coherent time line or even a realistic series of events that seem even slightly believable. Much Like the New Testament, The Gospel According to Mathew, Mark, Luke and John, it's four different stories about ONE singular event. So, I will do exactly what the Catholic Church did, I'll tell you all four stories from the four different points of view. The Incident According to Boyfriend Scott: "I was a little drunk. As you can see in the picture, I'm not sure if I was falling or Katee was falling but either way, we were pretty shitty drunk. Tricia was back at the table stuffing her face with those Kettle Chips. You know the ones? I, personally, like the New York Cheddar ones and the Spicy Thai, but Tricia goes crazy over the basic "Salt and Pepper" ones or whatever they are. The bag is brown. Tricia GETS the munchies. Her husband warned me about that. Something about her getting wine drunk then "raiding the pantry".... Back to the story, Katee and I decided to stumble or walk or whatever though the field and I SWEAR to you Katee took off running. I mean she just....ran away from me. Maybe that's the picture there... Her trying to leave. Who...the hell took that picture? Ok... So Katee just hauls ass running away and I'm like "BABE! WHERE....ARE YOU GOING!" I was yelling after her and she didn't respond. Now, Katee has this problem with her hearing, where she can't hear a certain tone...or pitch of my voice after she's had any kind of mind altering substance. I'm talking stuff like Aspirin, anything like that. She'll be all "my calf muscle hurts" then I'll give her some Advil or Aspirin or some Ibuprofen and then about twenty minutes later I'm in the kitchen trying to ask her if I should put the onions in the saute pan and she's chopping up bell Peppers and I'm just going, "Katee....Katee......Katee........Katee........KATEE" So, I attributed it to that. I turned back around and decided to find Tricia and get some more wine. As I got to the table I saw the back of what I thought was Tricia rounding the corner of the Winery house....thing. But Tricia and Katee had on the same color jacket, so it was hard to tell through my Alcohol goggles...and my sunglasses had smudges on them and are so cheap. I lose them, you know...so I can't stand to buy expensive ones. Plus, I think Katee buys enough pricey sunglasses for the two of us, but don't tell her I said that. Ok? Alright back to it... I grab a bottle of this pretty good white wine. I'm more into White than Katee and Tricia. I can't deal...Red's HEAVY. And it gives me a headache, the tannins... the weird little French man said on that tour... something about tannins. So, I cut across the field and I see Katee, Tricia and this random girl lying in a circle ... with their feet in center. I didn't get very close to them because as I was walking I twisted my ankle on this root or rut... something sticking out of the ground. I fell, and that was it. I was done. I hit my head really hard and I think the bottle flew out of my hand and I landed on that hard surface as well. All I know is that when I woke up, I was lying in a bed and Katee was acting very strange." The Incident According to Tricia: "The first thing I remember about this particular incident is that Katee and Scott decided they needed to go for a walk. Stretch their legs or something. This happens because whenever Scott drinks, he gets really energetic. Like nothing I've ever seen. And Katee, well...she can hang with his hyperactivity when he's drinking which, I think, is probably why they work together. I have no desire to do a DAMN thing when I've been drinking. I would probably just encourage him to walk in circles or something in my general vicinity and we all know that only works on small kids, and even sometimes the kid looks at you like "do you REALLY have me just fetching a fucking ball for you while you sit on the couch and watch Tyra?" So yeah, um...they go for a walk. It was kind of funny because while they had every intention to walk down to the grape fields, they kinda ended up making these really broad obvious circles around this one tree in the distance. I just watched. I don't know, maybe it was only obvious to me...that they where walking in circles. I'm not so sure about either Katee or Scott's sense of direction - we did drive up here using a GPS. So I started getting hungry and decided to look for food. I think me or Scott killed the bag of chips. I'm not sure. All I know is that he's getting a year supply of Salt and Pepper Kettle chips courtesy of yours truly. But don't tell him that. That last part about his Christmas Gift is off the record. Ok? So yeah, he probably finished those chips because he loves the 'Salt and Pepper' kind but I was still hungry. I hadn't eaten all day. So, I decided despite the fact that we were in close proximity to a four star restaurant, that I really just wanted a Hoagie...and I also wanted Chicken Wings, and I was having the weirdest craving for Paella. I knew that I could get a Hoagie and Chicken Wings at the same restaurant, but I wasn't so sure about Paella. So, I just said "fuck it" and decided to call up the local Hooters to get all the food I could get my hands on in the middle of wine country like that. Now, I was far too drunk to drive, but I knew Scott could just walk there because he's so hyper. I don't know, I was pretty drunk to think that... now that I think about it...we probably could have just taken a cab. I decided to try and find Scott and place the To-Go order... for some reason, at the table I wasn't getting cell phone reception, so I got up and walked around the house...winery place. Which is when things got a little strange for me. There was a man holding a very large grape. Like....the size of a baseball. I started looking at that and looking up I saw Katee walking with this strange girl. She was dressed in white. That was it for me. I remember walking down the driveway of the Winery to try and hitch a ride to Hooters, and then I was in the restaurant of the winery eating a goat cheese salad with Scott and Katee and no one was talking." The Incident According to Katee: "Let me just....start this by saying that both Scott and Tricia were not only completely drunk, but they also had the misfortune of eating some Kettle chips that were contaminated with the remnants of some hallucinogenic fungi that grows on potatoes and which was not properly eradicated in the cooking process due to...something the hell or other I don't fucking know. SO essentially they were "Tripping their fucking asses off".... is like the nice way to describe their behavior. I had seen someone under the influence of a Mind Altering Substance before, so I was kinda hip to what was going on. So Tricia literally has her head INSIDE this bag of chips and she keeps saying "HOOTERS! HOOTERS!" I didn't see any owls and she wasn't particularly staring at my chest or manhandling her own, so I really had no idea what she was going on about. Then, suddenly, Scott just jumps up and says "I have to walk. You want to walk? I have to walk. let's walk. let's get out of here. I have to walk I HAVE TO WALK!" Since I wasn't in the mood to sit there and watch Tricia molest a bag of chips, I decided to get up and follow Scott. I looked back at Tricia, while she, for some reason, was in the middle of launching her cell phone over the Winery...House Place and I think she was yelling something about Spain. I think she maybe was a softball pitcher or something in High School, because her cell phone nearly cleared the top of the roof. It was really amazing. I guess in looking back at Tricia, Scott took this opportunity to "escape the confounds of the yard"...is what I thought I heard him say as I was watching Tricia's phone fly through the air... Either way, I lost him ...I turned my head back to him and he was gone... ran off or something... because the last thing I saw was his vague image vanish behind a row of grape vines in the distance. When I looked back again for Tricia, she was also gone. So I was alone, that was when I started heading in the opposite direction, because just across the other side of the yard was this nice valley with a train running through it...it was cool because you could look down from the valley and they had all these nice little houses down there with tons of character and the train would go through the bottom of the valley... it was just damn pretty...and that was where I ran into Kristen Stewart. She was just CHILLIN there. That was it. I freaked out in my mind, but then I was like "oh no...she's just HUMAN same way I'm just HUMAN despite all my bat shit crazy fans" So I walked up to her all "hey" and she was all "hey" We talked a bit but I never mentioned Twilight. I may have offered to buy her alcohol at one point, and she wondered how I knew she was underage. She didn't seem to recognize me, but I was OK with that. So we just went our separate ways. I'm not sure if she was staying at the same winery as we were, but either way I didn't see her again on that trip. But it was cool and chill. It made me happy." The Incident According to Kristen Stewart: "What?..................... OH! Yeah, someone DID offer to buy me alcohol there. That happened. Yes. That happened. It did. For sure. But I was high as a bitch at the time I barely remember...plus whoever it was...they were back lit, so I didn't actually know who I was dealing with at the time. I couldn't see their face at all." PART THREE: Katee Sackhoff and Kristen Stewart Fight For A Good Cause: Unlike the rumors, Katee and Kristen Stewart did not physically fight. At no time, actually, did either actress lay hands on one another. There was another chance encounter, and this time Kristen Stewart would know who she is dealing with. At an event called "Name Your Weird Indie-Movie" Katee and Kristen Stewart where both in attendance. Kristen was there for CakeSomethingOrOther (not the official title) and Katee was there because Boyfriend Scott was there for some movie that I would have to look up on IMDB and I don't feel like navigating away from this page. So that won't happen. They where both there, and as it turns out they DID have a common goal: and that goal was to not only "not die from Swine Flu" but raise awareness of said "flu", and they both knew that going to any red carpet event with the masks would raise the proper awareness that people needed to take this whateverDemic seriously. This was the point where Kristen Stewart and Katee made a formal, public introduction, and decided that between Katee's pull as the popular "Starbuck" and Kristen Stewarts pull as the popular "Bella Swan" that their combined resources could raise A LOT of internet awareness on Swine Flu. While this seemed like a good idea, and it was, to combine their resources, their executed plan was not so successful. PART FOUR: Swine Flu / Bobble Head Awareness Project We all remember the extremely creepy and unsuccessful "Bobble Head Doll" photo shoots that Katee and Kristen Stewart did? If not, here is a reminder: So while the series of "awareness" photos where extremely unsuccessful, it did allow for Katee's fans, the SPanks, to realize that she is also a regular person. (Except that she's WAY more awesome, with a much more bad ass jawline and arm muscles) and that she wants to be treated as she treated Kristen Stewart. (Except she doesn't, she wants people to obsess about her character TO her while taking a tons of pictures with the flash bulb all going off in her eyes every two seconds.) Fin.

Boyfriend Scott: Lover, Producer, Fear of Commitmenter

POSTED BY:  FatApolloLoveSpank 

 

BOYFRIEND SCOTT

Lover, Producer, Fear of Commitmenter

 

* * *

There is much about Scott Niemeyer’s life that remains a closely guarded secret, such as his age, where he was born, and whether or not he ever knew the joys of being a pet owner in his youth. The man we have all come to know and love as “Boyfriend Scott” has been deemed “not relevant” enough for the intimate details of his life to be published publicly on the Wikipedia machine. This renders him a mysterious enigma, and there are only a few verifiable facts that Team SPank can glean from this most super extra special sauce of Honorary Members.

What is available on the internet, essentially, is Boyfriend Scott’s work history. He has worked on at least 2 movies and may have worked on up to 33. Sometimes he’s executive producer and other times he’s just part of the “miscellaneous crew”. His role in “the business” change from day to day even though some people (The Katee Sackhoff) have claimed with much authority that he is, in fact, a “D.P.”. What those two letters stand for, we can really only guess. Dill Pickle? Dastardly Pirate? Duck-billed Platypus? We’re pretty sure it stands for none of these things.

Boyfriend "Producer-Suit" Scott and Katee "Holy-Fucking-Blue-Dress" Sackhoff

Very little is known about Boyfriend Scott other than the above cold, hard facts.

Does he like a variety of cheeses? What is his favorite Victorian era novel? Does global warming upset him in the slightest?

We may never know the answers to these questions (and I think they are the questions that are on everyone’s mind). But there is one thing we know about Boyfriend Scott that has nothing to do with his career in the slightest and is therefore deeply personal and completely inappropriate for Team SPank to discuss.
And that is that he likes The Katee Sackhoff. A lot.

Boyfriend Scott has been Katee’s “boyfriend” for about three “Cort and Fatboy” interviews now. Which….is a long time. Bunches of months, even (years and years). What we have surmised from his time spent with our TeamLeader is that he doesn’t like football, he is “in the business”, he’s “great”, and that we actually have no idea at all how he feels about football (but he probably doesn’t play it).

One of the most important keys to Boyfriend Scott’s character that we are aware of (through the magic of Tricia Helfer’s Blog) is that he rides “the motorbikes”. This makes him, undoubtedly “hip” and “too cool for school”, which is probably the main reason he’s been able to keep the attention of our TeamLeader. Team SPank has never claimed to be an expert on the motorbikes (and by “Team SPank” I, of course, mean “me”. There could actually be several motorbike experts on the Team that I am completely unaware of…because I care like that), so many hours of research later – after pouring over articles littered with words like “Harley” and “Suzuki” and “assless chaps” – it has been determined that Boyfriend Scott seems to favor the more “black” sort of motorbike with the two wheels.

From Left: T.Helf's Husband, T.Helf, The Sackhoff, Boyfriend Scott, Boyfriend Scott's Motorbike, Some Guy Who Is Also There

Unfortunately, with this awesome sauce hobby comes Boyfriend Scott’s only vice; The Infamous Half-Helmet.

Many dozens of several times, Boyfriend Scott has been seen “on the streets” with The Katee Sackhoff and their respective motorbikes. And each of these times Team SPank has been met with the horrifying confirmation that Boyfriend Scott not only wears “the half-helmet atrocity”, but that he has somehow managed to trick our wholesome, sensible, completely innocent TeamLeader into also donning the half-completely-useless “safety” gear. It has been thought by some that perhaps this was determined to be a good idea by Boyfriend Scott because it made the pair of them look like adorably retro “twins”. And yeah, it does.

The Adorably Retroly Twinish Yet Unpractical Half-Helmets

But still.

Poor-Helmet-Judgment aside, Boyfriend Scott would appear to lead an exemplary life…which none of us know anything about, really. Apart from producing and motorbiking, we also know that Boyfriend Scott (1) probably doesn’t enjoy wine as much as The Katee Sackhoff and T-Helf (does anyone?) (2) and he likes to hold hands sometimes. (3) Also, occasionally, when the moment is right, he’ll ride in a limo.

(1)

(2)

(3)

Also, according to the TeamLeader, Boyfriend Scott exhibits a very typical and respectable trait. And that is the nearly irrepressible urge to “run the other way” when faced with the idea of commitment. Word on the street is that The Katee Sackhoff mentioned this fear of his in some article of some magazine that no one in the entirety of Team SPank has ever seen or read. His friends then “made fun of him about it”, and The Katee Sackhoff confirmed that she, too, is a fear of commitmenter unless there are children involved. And since children, in general, repulse The Katee Sackhoff (Team SPank (me)) I think they have several more blissful years of lack of commitmenting ahead of them.

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Erick Sackhoff: Brother, Taco Bell Eater, One True Spanker

POSTED BY:  LittleSpank 

 

A few things are known about Erick Sackhoff.

One thing we know upon looking at his last name is that it’s a weird foreign last name. (It’s pronounced Sack-off.) Erick’s group of friends are the ones we can thank for the nick name “Spank” but let us just explore the potential nicknames that he could have gotten from that nickname had his friends not been teenage boys obsessed with touching themselves at the time he was likely give this nickname (because “spank” or more commonly known as “spank the monkey” is another term for “jerking off” which is a slang way to say “masturbate”).

So had his friends not been overly obsessed with their body parts, he could have been called a number of different things. One of the likely possibilities is that he could have been called “no pouch”. They could have taken “Sack” and changed it to “pouch” and been like “pouch off, is kinda like NOT having a pouch, so let’s call him ‘no pouch’” So that would have made Katee “LittleNoPouch” and their mother “MaNoPouch.”

While these nicknames, if looked at from a certain perspective are very appropriate for Katee and Her mother, they where obviously not OK by Erick and his friends. This is probably because Erick’s friends liked him, so they wanted to give him a nickname that didn’t emasculate him, but one that just made it obvious that this group of boys thought masturbation was funny (because let’s face it, it is. The word “spank” is funny and the word “masturbation” is even funnier. I keep saying it over and over again in hopes that this article will come up on a Google search when people are trying to look up something they really SHOULDN’T be looking up).

The only substantial information source on Erick (on the entire internet, including Wikipedia) is Katee Sackhoff.

Not only is she one of the only sources, but it is really only during Cort and Fatboy interviews that she talks about him, and we assume, based on the stuff she says during these interviews that she is “slightly” to “very” intoxicated. So with that being said, we’re not really sure how accurate the information is that she is telling us. The only thing to consider here is that Erick actually went into a Cort and Fatboy interview with her. This basically means that he was either just as drunk as she was during this one interview, or what she says about her brother (and mother and boyfriend) is a fact and can be reported as such (by me).

The first true fact we know about Erick (because he can be heard saying this at the interview) is that Katee is from St. Helen’s. So, I assume since he is the older sibling that he was also born in this mysterious town in Oregon. The reasoning behind him saying that she was from there, was because he was given a list of things by his mother to NOT mention during the interview. Things like “weed, racism and Taco Bell” and his response was sic “(you) can talk about pot head racism because you’re from St. Helen’s.”

Apparently Erick thinks this “being from St. Helens” thing gives him an excuse to like the show Heroes over Battlestar Galactica. When pressed further about why he likes Heroes over BSG he was like “Well, the first time I saw my little sister doing a sex scene I threw up in my mouth, that doesn’t happen on Heroes.” He was questioning how he could be the “protective older brother” when his little sister is orgasmicly shouting out “Lee! LEE!” on the television screen in front of him. Katee’s response was “that’s not my O face” (and the discomfort did not stop there).

As pay back for Erick “beating her up” as a kid, she talked about her blow job technique and how it could possibly pertain to Edward James Olmos. Erick’s response was to criticize her singing. Although, he didn’t really criticize it, so much as he said it was “you know, alright or whatever”.

Katee 1, Erick 0.

Based on this back and fourth, it would appear that Katee has found a way to torture her older brother. Which, is really one of the most natural things any sibling pair can do once they reach adult age. The younger one has a lot of pent up aggression based on the years being tricked, outsmarted and tortured by the older sibling. The older sibling, on the other hand, really doesn’t care. In order to work out the pent up aggression, the younger sibling will find ways to “torture”, “trick” or “outsmart” the older sibling (in this case, it was Katee getting her brother to watch a sex scene involving her calling out Lee’s name in a fit of sexual ecstasy, and Erick going “GAH! SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!”. That’s Katee – 2, Erick – Still Zero).

Despite Erick’s love for Heroes and apparent hate for Battlestar Galactica, in a rare (probably drunken) moment, Katee Sackhoff told her legions of fans that the character of Starbuck was actually based on her brother, Erick. To some of her more sexually confused (supposedly “straight” female) fans, this came as a huge relief. Something along the lines of “Woah. What a relief! Starbuck isn’t turning me a little less straight every day she is in my life! In reality I have a giant crush on this fictional character that is actually based on a dude. Which means technically I haven’t completely abandoned my heterosexual lifestyle despite all these weird confusing feelings!”

But then things get a little more confusing, because if Starbuck is based on a guy, and she likes to have wild sex with guys, then what does that make her? Is she actually just a gay man in a woman’s body? I think the technical term is transsexual. But, does that make all of us all hopefully in love with a gay man?

At some point, Katee hatched a plan to get Erick to be an extra or have a minor speaking role in an episode of Battlestar Galactica. He wanted to be on the show as a person with special powers, like in Heroes, but she thought he would better serve as Adama and Roslin’s “Fleet Wheat” dealer.

Considering he has a child, this was soon ruled out as “a terrible idea.”

So Erick continues to not watch Battlestar Galactica and watch Heroes instead. He continues to eat Taco Bell and not be a bad boy pot head. He continues to probably be pretty cool, and if not he’s the sibling of Katee Sackhoff, which means there are good genes there, despite their self proclaimed “St. Helen’s” origins. (Wikipedia was no help on why people from St. Helen’s think it’s OK to be a fan of Heroes of Battlestar Galactica.)