Katee, next time you wanna learn how to knife fight - just take private lessons. PLEASE! Why did you do it to us? Did you owe someone sexual favours or something? Do you realise that you don't have to do someone's movie as a favour for them, just because they bought you a drink at the pub? It just doesn't make any sense. You're wayyyyyyy out of that league. It is going to take the TeamSpank constituency a long, long time to get over the "Sentinel Aberration".
You have said a few times about "The Last Sentinel" that "it was what it was". And what was that exactly? Crap?
Travesty
Next time you feel compelled to do shite like this, Katee, please let us know in advance. The TeamSpankers will gladly whip the hat around and raise enough to cover your salary - we'll pay you NOT to do it. Shouldn't cost us much - did that thing even have a budget? We noticed you parading around in your Starbuck costumes - so "The Last Sentinel" budget obviously didn't extend to wardrobe.
OMG it's excruciating just trying to make it all the way through the promo.
In a way we can understand that you wouldn't worry about inflicting this crap on us, because you don't actually know us as real-life humans. But, for the love of God, surely you didn't make your loved ones suffer through this abysmal travesty. Surely you didn't make your parents watch it. That would have been such a low act. Did you even watch it yourself?
Katee Sackhoff, as punishment for the damage you have caused to your Team and your loved ones, we sentence you to be strapped to a chair and forced to watch "The Last Sentinel" at least 4 times consecutively - in its entirety. That includes all of your scenes AND all the rest of that insufferable crap. (4 times may seem a little lenient, but if you've actually seen "The Last Sentinel", then you'd understand that 4 times would be plenty. Her therapy bills are going to be horrendous).
Honestly, I have Maxi here sitting with me right now, and even he could have come up with a more riveting, better written narrative. And Maxi is a Maltese Terrier. We don't want to get narky here about the other actors' performances, but let's just say that Maxi would have also brought considerably more life and range to the lead male role. And Maxi's a pooch. At least when Max is attempting to shag the sofa, he seems pretty enthusiastic and gives it his full committment. Unfortunately the same can't be said for your leading man, Katee. "Stiff" would probably be an appropriate adjective for that man's performance. But then so would "flaccid".
The TeamSpankers noticed that Katee didn't want to name "The Last Sentinel" in the interview that she did recently on "The Hour" (watch it below). Why was that exactly Katee? You should always take pride in your work.
*TeamSpank collectively shakes head in dismay*. We knew exactly what movie you were talking about.
All adult Spankers have no doubt been guilty of questionable career decisions. But holy crap Katee, you must have used up a lifetime supply of questionable decisions all in one hit on "The Last Sentinel". Perhaps you should pay penance in the 'The Last Sentinel' Anti-Appreciation Thread' (in the TeamSpank Forum), where TeamSpankers go to vent about that (monumental) aberration and get it out of their system.
We also notice that you were a little contrite about "The Last Sentinel" in "The Hour" interview, and that you thought you should pay us for our time. Yes indeed Katee, that would be the appropriate response.
An invoice will be coming. However, we will be offering you a 65% discount, as most TeamSpankers were sensible enough to fast forward through non-Katee scenes. It's still going to cost you - TeamSpankers are mainly highly-skilled professionals and our average hourly rate is obscene. We will only be charging you for 45 minutes (with the fast foward discount), but multiply that by about 100 Spankers at our obscene hourly rate. Have the BSG cheques have started flowing again? You might have to hock your bike.
Katee Sackhoff, we defy you to find one solitary fan, over the age of 8, who "loved" The Last Sentinel. If they say they 'loved' it, they were just being polite. Or they wanted you to buy them a nice christmas present.
'The Last Sentinel' - Points in its favor
Believe it or not, "The Last Sentinel" had two or three redeeming qualities:
- Katee Sackhoff was in it. While this was very unfortunate for her fans and loved ones, Katee's presence would have been a nice treat to the casual viewer, who perhaps enjoys that standard of shite on a daily basis.
- In fairness to "The Last Sentinel", it wasn't the worst movie that this reviewer has seen. Halloween 8: Resurrection was probably worse.
- At least one male TeamSpanker has been known to enjoy one particular scene from "The Last Sentinel" a little too much. I believe he fondly refers to it as "the Side-Boob" scene. We will spare Ms Sackhoff the indignity of displaying that particular footage here. The 'side-boob' scene was in no way gratuitous - it really moved the plot forward. It was absolutely essential to the narrative. That movie's storyline would have come completely off the rails had Katee not done a bathing scene with side-boob! (Actually I think the crew probably just wanted to perve at Katee's tits).
In Conclusion
Never again. Please. PLEASE. |
No comments:
Post a Comment