The List

The List

by TeamSpank

Att: Ms Katee Sackhoff, if you're out there:

We at TeamSpank HQ advise that you print the following document, (A.K.A. "The List"), attach it to your bathroom mirror and recite it out loud and proud before any future auditions and/or hot dates. Your agent should probably print a few copies also, to pass on to prospective employers who will thereafter be compelled to throw themselves submissively at your feet. The facts expressed in this document are sourced from interviews, video archives, still images and often from your own mouth, with a few educated guesses thrown in for fun - just because we can. The document is scientific and objective, with a slight smattering of saucy subjectivity - just because we don't get out much.

Katee, you should find "The List" extremely empowering and will consequently have no problem in landing any future job that you're after - or any hot boy that you're after for that matter. You should be extremely proud of all of your accomplishments and wear them as a badge of honor. Well done, sista. A+

(Katee, you can download a printable copy of The List from here, so that you can take it home and study it)

Katee Sackhoff - Curriculum Vitae

Special Talents/Accomplishments

• Mastery of offensive language.
• Can blow other folks off the screen, even while remaining still, silent and doing nothing in particular.
• Looks outstanding when sweaty.
• Rides a Harley D (or maybe a crappy little Honda).
• Gives good lip quiver. Particularly dexterous with the lower one.
• All the critics thought SHE should be the Bionic Woman. Na, na na na na.
• Spells her name unusually, because she's an individual and because she's too cool for school.
• Fan: "How fast can a viper go?" Katee: "As fast as the crew can push it". Haaaa. And she's a comedian.
• Prefers to do her own stunts. Remember that frisky scene from 'Scar' where Bamber gropes at Starbuck's undies?
  Not a stunt-arse.
• Is an exceptional juggler.
• Vastly experienced at skin scenes (and will use tongue).
• Can knit.
• Can put together an AK47 blindfolded and kill you with a knife
• Loves to gut her own fish. sick puppy.
• Is an animal lover. Bought a pup even though it was pissing on a picture of her head.
• She is very kind hearted. Only the most forgiving of souls could love a pug and yet she loves two of them.
• Takes her craft seriously. For example, studied her O-Face in the mirror.
• Wears a tank-top in a manner that is frankly pretty impressive.
• Has great volume and projection when she improv spits. Can achieve impressive distance.
• Has been decapitated on celluloid. Her corpse-less head did some of the best acting in that film.
• An existential thinker. Used the phrase "Happy as a clam". Can a clam truly be happy? How does one know for sure? Deep.
• Can sing - possibly even better than Hillary Duff. ("Hillary Duff - the gauntlet has been thrown!")
• Is an equal opportunity sex symbol:
  
  
  • Straight men want to marry her.
  • Straight women want to turn for her.
  • Lesbians want to frak her.
  • Gay men want her to frak them.
  • Transgenders aren't really sure what they want to do with her, but they promise it'll be a good time.
• Owner/operator of the 8th Wonder of the Natural World, the Katee Sackhoff Miraculous Quivering Chin. (nb the chin quiver and the lip quiver are distinctly different talents).
• Has appeared in at least 2 craptaculor films that many of her otherwise erudite fans were irresistibly yet perhaps regrettably compelled to watch. (The Last Sentinal, Halloween:Resurrection). Oh the humanity.
• What do these three women have in common: Imelda Marcos, Carrie Bradshaw, Katee Sackhoff?
  Hint: I can't see Mrs Marcos working the 'Come-Fuck-Me' boots quite as effectively as the other two ladies.
• Is totally a perfectionist. Case in point: a fan asked her if she had any regrets about her universally praised*, undeniably brilliant performance in 'Maelstrom'. After a moment's pause, Ms Sackhoff thoughtfully replied,
  "Actually I do. I wish that I had worn a bra. I have to try to remember that I'm not 21 anymore". Does any woman alive rock harder than this chick?
• Katee Sackhoff: "Dee, who???". ha.....
• Is a staunch advocate against discrimination & demonstrates this through her career choices. For example, was completely indiscriminate in choosing to appear in "The Last Sentinel".
• People have been known to find her collarbone extremely enticing and have studied its impressive structure in great detail and from many different angles.
  Mildly disturbing evidence of these studies can be found elsewhere on this site.
• Can be vey probing and insightful in interviews. For example once said "I'm gonna build an ark and pull a rabbit out of my butt". Pretty damn probing from the rabbit's perspective.
• Gives Oscar caliber performances even when appearing in documentary short films. In "Sex, Lies and a Videoblog", was so convincing that many of the audience actually believed she was knocked up with David Eick's love child. Her death stares were so venomous that even David Eick seemed to believe her. (In your dreams, David Eick). A nod must also go to Katee in "Sex, Lies" for frequent and creative use of profanity in an improvised piece.
• Is an exceptional juggler. (Repeated for emphasis).
  
  * except by those ignorant old codgers who vote for the Emmys.
  
  
  And now, for a complete change of pace:

Courtesy of StyloSpank (Note to blokes everywhere: this is how to get a chick in the sack):

• Flowers bloom just to make her smile.
• She makes blood thunder in your ears
• Her smile outshines the sun
• Your heart sings in her presence.
• Makes you want to ride to her rescue but can rescue you, when you screw it up.
• Skin looks as soft as rose petals
• Eyes can capture your heart and soul
• Can inspire you to be greater than you are
• Worth all costs, any price

And from the illustrious RileySpank (formerly AFRiley):

• Makes tomboys look hot.
• Makes walking like a man sexy.
• Looks great with purple highlights.
• Can put a smile on our faces any day.
• Makes boxing seem like foreplay.

Another addition from a seemingly dumb-struck admirer, Tschevy20:

• I can't think of anything half as funny or interesting to say to her. Except I love her.

Only one contribution thus far from EldarKinSlayer but it's pure gold (once you figure out what it means):

• Casey carried her to the top of the MILF list even though she really hasn't had any kids.

Contributions from FALSpank - formerly FatApolloLove. (Not the soft-core porn I was expecting, but still mildly saucy):

• can make otherwise happily heterosexual girls want to date/marry/be ON her.
• looks best when wearing a white sheet
• manages to outshine apollo's infamous "towel" scene with her "paintsex/bunk-writhing" scene...which, if you've seen apollo, isn't easy.
• looks stunning when all dolled up, but looks even better when covered with sweat, dirt, grease, and blood
• maybe you hated her in "unfinished business", but all she had to do was say "i missed you" at the end and everything she did do, will do, or ever thought about doing is completely forgiven (although, the sports bra didn't hurt either...). yes, she's just that good.
• is a sexy bag of sex.

Contributions from Slovenia by 3ripleSpank (formerly 3nity).
(A disturbing number of Katee Sackhoff fans can now swear fluently in Slovenian because of this person):

• She is excellent in jumping from mood to mood in a blink of an eye. Bljak!
• She's a girlie girl but has everyone fooled that she's a tough tom boy and this is very njami.
  (I'm not gonna translate for you).

Our newest Team Spank member, SpinnySpank, adds the following to Ms Sackhoff's mind-boggling list:

• Can tie the stem of a cherry with her tongue.
• Is very good at doing the thing that's the alias for the man who gave the anonymous tip to the newspapers in the Watergate scandal that led to President Nixon's resignation.

My US political history isn't spot on, but I believe that Spinny may be referring to Katee's amazing juggling technique, which we have covered previously. Oh well, her brilliance in this area can't be stated enough.

A new entry by larocque6689, the future LaroSpank, who is currently struggling with an Unfinished Business fixation apparently:

• Katee can make you lust after her, even after she's shattered your heart into a thousand pieces, and abandoned you for another man.

(I'd just like to point out that this person posts erudite articles in the Okay thread and yet has been reduced to such tragic utterances by the mysterious and perhaps evil powers of Ms Sackhoff).

Some midnight add-ons from LittleSpank (formerly DJVillian):

• Can work a sports bra in a unique and specific way.
• Some physical attributes include: Starbangs, wonderful shoulder muscles and a very "intense" jawline.
• Can use eyes and lips to convey emotions that are not written in the script.
• Can invoke reactions such as *nuzzle nuzzle*, *lick* and *THUD* from an otherwise articulate fan base.
• Appreciates her own acting ability almost as much as her fans. When asked "Who is your favorite character on TV?" she said, "Starbuck, but I'm a little biased" and when asked "What is your favorite episode of BSG?" her answer was "Maelstrom, because I was in it a bunch". Gold, pure gold.

And finally, a speech by StyloSpank, Katee's Knight in Shining Cyberspace. It's not really shit you'd put on your CV, but it speaks for us all and we thought it'd make her parents proud:

"I'd like to thank Katee's parents and their genes, the results of which are truly stunning.

I'd like to thank her Mom as she seems to have a great sense of humor and seems to have passed that on.

I would like to thank her brother who loves her enough to be totally uncomfortable when she discusses sexual experiences and last, I would like to thank Katee for being sister enough to not pass on digging in on her brother a bit because she knows it makes him uncomfortable. Just too funny".