Katee Sackhoff and "The Twilight Saga" Saga: The Color Brown and Sparkle Dots

POSTED BY:  FatApolloLoveSpank 

 

The Color Brown and Sparkle Dots

(or The Three Step Guide For How To Land A Role In the Fourth and Final Installment of
“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” As Applied To The Katee Sackhoff)

So, word on the streets (internet) is that Katee Sackhoff is a huge fan of “The Twilight Saga: Twilight”. Now, we at Team SPank think this is just absolutely wonderful (a small minority of us think this is wonderful…but luckily we are the minority that have the ability to post articles). According to one of our Team Members and Co-Founders and Site-Owners and Token-Australians (MaxiSpank), The Katee Sackhoff has expressed a real interest in being “in” one of “The Twilight Saga” movies. This is also just wonderful. Almost too wonderful….to be expressed with words other than “wonderful”.

Now, MaxiSpank learned of this secret (not secret at all) desire of our TeamLeader’s to be involved in “The Twilight Saga” by attending some “convention” in “Australia” where The Katee Sackhoff wore a Twilight “T-shirt” and proclaimed her willingness to “sneak” onto set and portray a “shrub”. We are here to tell you, Katee Sackhoff, we have experienced your acting chops and this is not necessary. Not at all.

Still, we know (we don’t know at all) what a weird incestuous inbred sex creepy system Hollywood can be. Maybe you don’t have the proper “in” to be….”in” one of these “movies”. Well, this is where Team SPank can help you.

We, being the stalky, no-life-having, obsessive assholes that we are, have scoured the internet searching for ways in which we can bypass the system and hook The Katee Sackhoff up with a part in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” (maybe The Katee Sackhoff is willing to be in any of the movies…but Team SPank has their standards. Only the most cracked out, throwed, special vampire LSD movie will do).

We have found a way.

Step 1: Acquire Deep, Rich, Popping Brown Eyes
Here’s the deal, Katee Sackhoff. Maybe you didn’t know this, but you have hazely green sort of eyes.

I don’t know by what misfortune you came by these eyes, probably you were born with them. The fact of the matter is, they simply will not do for “The Twilight Saga”. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What? My eyes are so totally awesome! They are really dynamic and sometimes they switch colors depending on what I wear and my God they’re just so flipping sexy!”. Yeah well, you’re wrong. Team SPank maybe thought that once (or twice) about your eyes a long, long time (a few months) ago but I have long since seen the light.

You see, the lead actress in “The Twilight Saga: Twilight” and the upcoming “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” , Kristen Stewart, once had eyes like yours. And, I mean, maybe even a little worse. She was sporting some seriously pale green eyes.

However, you’ll notice that those green eyes just weren’t cutting the mustard and never made it into the movie. And it’s not a surprise. I mean, greens and blues are so light and empty and people who have them cannot be taken seriously. Ever. Kristen Stewart knew this going in. And you know what? She did something about it.

Do you see what she did there? It’s pretty subtle, I know, but notice her eyes. They’re a color. A dark color yet bright. I mean, her eyes are just this rich dark vibrant popping brown. The brownest of the brown, like if you mix oak and stained chestnut with just a hint of aged leather.

I know what you’re thinking now. “How can I make my eyes less green and more brown?”. Well, Katee Sackhoff, I’m glad you asked. You see, you are at a natural advantage over Kristen Stewart. Her eyes were just this pale, lifeless boring green. You have hazel eyes…which might have some brown naturally in them!

Basically what you need to do it wear more brownish sort of clothes to help with that. The green in your eyes will reflect the brown off the brown so that they appear a more popping brown than they are. Never, ever wear green or light green. Your eyes will just go bananas with color and general greenness and everyone DISLIKES THAT A LOT. Vivid, fucked up disdain is what everyone feels…for that color (green) in your eyes.
However, if you want to seriously pursue a role in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” you’re going to need to consider a more “extreme” approach. Basically you’re going to need to obtain contacts (legally or illegally…do what you need to do) that are brown. Like a sort of brown that pops and is all sparks and fire and is in no way lifeless and dull compared to colors like green or other such colors.

You see? Look at how happy and “having-a-role-in-the-movie” Kristen Stewart is with her brown eyes.

“It’s the color ‘brown’ I think…but it’s not just brown like the crayon or anything. It’s more beautiful brown. Like fresh earth dirt in a summer garden in a lake in Vermont, mixed with a rich stallion brown that has just a hint of red/brown if the sun hits it the right way, and just the tiniest little smidge of that light cracked dry desert brown. There’s even a little hint of the brown you see in the Mississippi Delta, that’s called ‘Delta brown’. It’s all those beautiful brown colors mixed together, put in contact form and placed over her eyes. It’s like…poetry. ” – LittleSpank (DJ)

Now, in the case that you do decide to go the contact-route, then feel free to wear any amounts of greens you want.

As long as the greens aren’t in your eyes, feel free to sport the color proudly. In fact, the green can be used much to your advantage in making your eyes a more fiery, lively, popping sex brown that pops.

Step 2: Embrace Sparkle Dots As Part of Your Life
Alright, this is what’s happening in the world of “The Twilight Saga: Twilight”. There are vampires sparkling. That is something that happened. And it’s going to happen in “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” and it’s going to happen A LOT in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” (which is, I believe, the role you’re going for). This is probably the most fantastic vampire myth ever to be called “canon” in anything.

It has recently come to the attention of Team SPank that the sparkles seen in the movie on the skin of one Edward Cullen were not his own. They were in fact, possibly, CGI. Well, being the curious little hookers that we are, we carried on not giving a shit. Then, while perusing some Kristen Stewart photo galleries (that are amazingly organized and up to date compared with our own gallery) in order to leer and ogle Stewart’s infamous “bitchface” we stumbled across some pictures from the set of the yet-to-be-released “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”.

Our first thought was “Check out that green shirt and how it makes those brown eyes pop.”

Our second thought was “Holy fuck, look at Kristen Stewart grinding on the Pattz’ shit”.

Our third thought was “Look at Kristen Stewart running. She’s not athletic at all. That’s going to be fucking awkward as hell to watch.”

Our fourth thought was “Wow. A spray-on six pack. ALSO AWKWARD.”

But the fifth thing we thought was what we really want to talk about.
And that would be “What are those…things….on…..are those…..dots?”

And you know what? They’re dots.

But they’re not just any dots. No, no. After much deliberation and thorough analysis we came to the conclusion that this scene takes place when the sun…is out.
Which, Katee Sackhoff, you know can only mean ONE THING.

Yes. Those are sparkle dots.

And you need to get some….on you.

Step 3: Go Audition.
So, imagine this:

You walk in, strutting your stuff, wearing something sexy, your hair looks just really phenomenal, you’re smiling and confident, you’re slightly drunk from the wine you were just pounding back on the ride here. The audition people look you up and down and say “Wow. What an amazing, sexy, confident, drunk young woman. Who is she?” As luck would have it, they do not recognize you from the unfortunate occurrence on the set of “The Twilight Saga: Twilight”. You’re good to go.

Just as they’re about to immediately cast you on the spot, they hesitate. “Wait. If only there was something…..more.”

That, Katee Sackhoff, is when you shed the jacket you were wearing (did I not mention that? You’re wearing a fairly large, bulky, yet sexy overcoat) revealing that you have meticulously and artfully donned several dozen (hundreds) of sparkle dots. The audition people don’t know where these dots came from, nor do they feel the need to inquire. They are immediately dazzled.

So, they’re as good as signing the papers (you know, those papers that say…”yes” to you being in the movie. Those papers) and they pause…again.

So they look at your clothes and they notice that you’re not wearing green. This would normally be a good thing, considering the status of your eyeballs’ color. But something is different. Something very nearly indescribable. They can imagine that if you were wearing green it would do….something…for your eyes. But what? It would definitely make them more…something.

That’s what they realize that your eyes are no longer their natural ugly hazel green. They are now like a sort of softness of wet mud mixed with dark chocolate and milk chocolate and Mexican hot chocolate with a hint of light tree trunk and cloves where when the sun hits it it's got a hint of rusty chain link fence red and it's just so earthy and delicious and it's like someone managed to capture the essence of nature and rusty fences and somehow harness that into these tiny...things...that you put in your eyes to cover the color green.

You are hired.

Twilight Turmoil - The Spanker Civil War - Sackhoff Implored to Mediate

POSTED BY:  bellaspank 

 

This article is a cry out for help to our Team Leader. TeamSpank is in total disarray. The Spankers are distraught. Never in it's entire long and colorful history has TeamSPank seen such conflict. Such tension. Such hate. We are at a crossroads and this is all because of Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores). It has split our beloved Team right down the middle and it's frankly getting ugly. We need some guidance - some intervention - before our whole world of SPanking turns completely to shit. Our Team Leader is something of an expert on this issue and so we're sure she'll know what to do. TeamSpank can survive without BSG, without Lost & Found, without The Last Sentinel even, but I don't think we're going to be able to survive this.

Katee - helpppppppppp!

Things have gotten so out of hand that some Spankers are trying to 'psych out' their fellow Spankers with emotional warfare. For example, founding spanker FatApolloLoveSpank, has taken to shoving the following picture down her oppositions' throats in an all out assault on her Twilight foes.

Pure evil. And pretty damn funny. Some spankers have taken to tricking others into watching YouTube vids of Twilight scenes by renaming the link "Katee Sackhoff Lost & Found Promo". That's just fucking low.
Yes the Spankers are divided. On one side we've got the "Twilight Lovers" and on the other side we've got the "Twilight Haters". Then we've also got this fence-sitting in between group - the "Twilight Couldn't Give A Shitters".
Some Spankers really seem to HATE Twilight. So much so that the TeamSpank Executive Council have had to impose some special measures at the TeamSpank Treehouse. They have set the word censor to work, preventing some of the more contentious, shit-stirring words being used by belligerent Spankers. Here are a couple of examples:

• The word "Twilight" now becomes - "Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores)".
  Let's call a spade a spade. Katee Sackhoff does adore Twilight and the "haters" need that fact shoved down their throats as often as possible.

• The word "hate" now becomes - "love with the fire of a thousand suns".
  We don't 'hate' at TeamSpank, so those hostile outbursts have got to stop. (Blame/thank SwimSpank for this one).

see below for some examples of usage

Make no mistake - Katee Sackhoff is a Twilight Lover. There is no debate about this. Spankers have personally, with their own eyes, live and in living color, seen our Team Leader wear a Twilight T-Shirt. You don't wear a T-Shirt and force your boyfriend to watch the movie under sufferance if you are a "Hater" or a "Couldn't Give A Shitter". The very fact that this woman bothers to launder clothing that is ablaze with a Twilight logo shows TRUE commitment.

Evidence (as doctored by DJspanker)

Even though my namesake is a protagonist in the story, I would still fall into the "Twilight Couldn't Give A Shitter" group - I haven't seen a frame of the movie or read a page of the book series and I don't understand what all the fuss is about, (although I must say the lead boy and girl seem fairly enticing). Having said that, I am predisposed to favoring the 'Twilight Lovers', purely because it's fun getting a rise out of the people who seem to love with the fire of a thousand suns it so much. But whichever way Spankers swing on this issue, we need to resolve the conflict now. Stop the insanity! Can't we all just try to get along?

Katee Sackhoff - what on earth are we going to do? Help!!!!

__________________________________

A sample of Twilight word censor usage, courtesy of Stylo Spanker. This is what he typed:

And as twilight approaches through the window behind my desk,....I realise that I did not get to eat today and only drank half of the coke on my desk. But a half a coke by twilight is better than no coke at all and soon my twilight snacks will be just smashing.

The censor changed it to this:

And as Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores) approaches through the window behind my desk,....I realise that I did not get to eat today and only drank half of the coke on my desk. But a half a coke by Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores) is better than no coke at all and soon my Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores) snacks will be just smashing.

If anyone quotes or repeats Stylo, then the truly sublime Twilight Infinite Loop Anomaly kicks in and you get this:

And as Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores)(which Katee Sackhoff adores) approaches through the window behind my desk,....I realise that I did not get to eat today and only drank half of the coke on my desk. But a half a coke by Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores)(which Katee Sackhoff adores) is better than no coke at all and soon my Twilight (which Katee Sackhoff adores)(which Katee Sackhoff adores) snacks will be just smashing.

Yes the Twilight word censor is a thing of rare beauty. It mightn't be doing much to help end the Civil War Crisis, but it's certainly fun knowing that everytime the "haters" see it, they die just a little bit more on the inside.

Katee Sackhoff and "The Twilight Saga" Saga: Her Scenes Unveiled

POSTED BY:  LittleSpank 

 

Oh yeah, we totally got along on set. I really have no idea what happened because as far as I know her scenes were with Kris and Rob, but I did hear about ‘the incident.’ Kris’s memory is not so fresh on it, but Rob’s is…was. You know what I mean.”-Nikki Reed

“What now?”- Kristen Stewart

“She just called me, she said ‘T-bird, I need you to pick me up from the set…NOW’…she seemed stressed out, so I wasn’t going to press the issue. We didn’t have the chance to talk about it then, and I’m not really sure how she would feel about me talking about it here, with you.”-Tricia Helfer

“yeah, she took ALL of them. The entire BAG!” -Joseph McNulty (Head of Props)

In the second installment of “The Sackhoff and The Twilight Saga Saga” I will attempt to truthfully and realistically reveal to you, the reader, the series of events that changed the entire Twilight movie, by exploring how Katee Sackhoff was almost in the Twilight movie, but for reasons still very unclear to me (anyone) she left the set and was cut from the movie.

The Sackhoff and Her Love For Sparkle Dots: Her Scenes Unveiled

The quotes used to ease you into this article where all taken completely out of context and poached from various interviews. (Seeing as how I am no longer allowed within 500 yards of most of the people in Katee Sackhoff's life or any of the top billed characters in The Twilight Saga, it took some sleek detective work on my part to get the exclusive interviews used for this article.) With that being said, let us explore the truthful merit of the previously mentioned quotes, and how they pertain to possibly the greatest thing…ever. Katee Sackhoff almost having a role in The Twilight Saga: Twilight.

Catherine Hardwicke was a huge fan of Battlestar Galactica, so it only seemed natural that she would attempt to acquire The Sackhoff for a role in her new movie. Unfortunatly, there was not a role in Twilight written for The Sackhoff, so Hardwicke was going to have to take creative control over the situation and MAKE a role for Katee.

In working out a role for The Sackhoff, Katee was brought to the set of the movie to hang out for a few days while the creative team behindThe Twilight Saga: Twilight could figure out her role and how to best work her into the movie, while keeping the “integrity” of the original story close to original canon. (It is rumored that even some of Katee's friends, Jamie Bamber most notably, was very much against Katee doing anything to "mess" with his favorite character in the story, Bella.)

Katee Sackhoff, a self proclaimed fan of Twilight, asked if she could sit in on the filming of some of the key scenes in the book. Hardwicke obliged, and Katee was then allowed to be on set during the filming of several important scenes, all she had to do was sign a confidentially agreement and she could freely sit on set and hang out while they filmed. The scene in which Edward reveals to Bella that he has “the skin of a killer” was the first point that Katee was allowed on set during filming.

Nikki Reed, who was also hanging around the set waiting to shoot her scenes, met up with Katee. They sat in on the filming of that scene, and according to Nikki, Katee started talking to one of the prop guys, "Something about them both being from St. Helens...I don't know", Nikki Reed would later confirm.

There is one account, according to Nikki, that Katee hid in the meadow scene during the shoot and went un-noticed by Hardwicke or any other members of the crew. I could not, in all my investigation find anything that supported Ms. Reed’s claim. I did, however, come across this extremely rare frame. It is rumored that this frame did make it into the theatrical version, but that by the time the movie was on DVD it had been cut out completely.

That supposed "incident" did not get Katee kicked off the set, but there was speculation that a bag of "sparkle dots" went missing. To those of you that do not have an RSS feed of New Moon set pictures, I should probably explain the "sparkle dot" phenomena.

If you can, look closely at Robert’s skin, you will see they are covered in tiny little dots. It is speculated by the Twilight fandom that these dots are meant for CGI purposes to make the vampires have "the skin of a killer." In order for the Post production crew to make this happen, they need what are known as “sparkle dots” Obviously, they come in baggies. After the “supposed” "incident" in the meadow with Ms. Sackhoff, a bag of sparkle dots went missing, and sparkle dots....started showing up in odd places.

Sparkle Dot Incident #1: Katee has a Salmon Burger with Billy Burke, the guy playing Bella’s dad. They bond over mustaches. They talk about how Boy friend Scott and Charlie both have them. They eat salmon burgers. They enjoy the Salmon burgers...a lot.

Within the hour, he was shooting a scene. I present to you, exhibit A:

Katee was spotted walking out of the room where they keep the majority of the props for the Twilight movie. The following scenes where later uncovered:

Katee eventually left the Twilight set, but in my investigation of this topic, a few other pictures surfaced:

It is still a mystery whether or not she left the set on her own accord, or she was asked to leave, or if there was a contract issue, consideringBattlestar Galactica was still filming at that point. Was it the sparkle dot incident that did it? or was it her showing up in almost every significant scene? I guess, based on this evidence I presented, it may have been a little of both.

Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight

Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight

Attention Katee Sackhoff: This "article" was written by the same person who wrote your playlist review - DJ. That should explain a lot. Or nothing at all. TeamSPank really needs to look into getting DJ medicated. Attention Everyone Else: This "article" has some factual merit. Katee Sackhoff does love Twilight and the participants names are spelled correctly. Other than that.......? Attention DJ: You of all people should know that we don't allow fan fiction at TeamSPank HQ. Talk about borderline! Attention Katee Sackhoff again: This is what happens when your fans have no new Sackhoff performances to look forward to. Sorry! Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight By DJ SPank It has recently come to the attention of the SPanks that Katee Sackhoff is a huge fan of The Twilight Saga: Twilight. Whether or not she is a fan of the rest of the books or movies remains to be seen. I have taken it upon myself to do some research on Katee's Fan Girlness when it comes to The Twilight Saga: Twilight, and quickly learned that Katee Sackhoff is as big a fan of Twilight as the Spanks are a fan of her. (Katee, I meant... in case you didn't know who "her" was because sometimes my sentences run on and on and you don't know if "her" is "Katee" or if the her is "Kristen Stewart" or if the her is actually a "him" or an "it" like...Boyfriend Scott or Twilight the actual movie.) PART ONE: Katee Sackhoff Reads The Twilight Saga and Comes Clean To Her Friends Katee first discovered the Twilight Saga when she was on the set of the late Battlestar Galactica. She and co-star Jamie Bamber, were discussing what "motivates" their characters because as we all know, Starbuck was bat shit fucking crazy and not even Katee Sackhoff knew how to handle the character. For Bamber, he felt that his character, Apollo, really identified with the main character in the Twilight saga, Bella. Needless to say, Katee had no desire to delve further into a character that did not belong to her. A few days later, she was killing time between a shoot, and noticed the apple on the front cover and thought "hmm...I'm kinda hungry" so naturally, she read the book. She was able to read the first half of it in that one sitting, then she forgot it existed. This was not much of a surprise, considering how the Twilight book (itself) kinda blows large chunks. One day, as fate would have it, she was getting drunk on some wine looking up Tricia Helfer fan videos on YouTube where she happened upon a link to the Trailer of Twilight. (The "related video" path she took to get her from "Tricia Helfer Fan Vids" to "Twilight" is still a bit of mystery, but my hypothesis is that it was that Michael Westen/Carla Shipper video to "Flightless Bird" which eventually led her to the Twilight trailer.) She watched the trailer and like any normal human being was all, "OH! Totally need to FINISH THAT SHIT!", so she borrowed the book from Jamie, who was now on Breaking Dawn, and not really liking where it was taking Bella/Lee's character. Moving onto the next three books was somewhat of an easy task. She was now done with Battlestar Galactica and mainly just sitting around with Boyfriend Scott and drinking wine. No one is arguing with the notion that THIS is the best way to enjoy the Twilight Saga (drunk, that is). So, upon finishing the book, and having downtime after Battlestar Galactica was over, she decided to "act like a fan" when it came to Twilight. It is not very clear if the night she had with Breaking Dawn sent her from "oh, I like it alright" to "TWILIGHT SQUEE FUCKING SQUEEE!" (in later interviews, even Boyfriend Scott has no idea how this table turned, and neither do we.) So while Katee, for all intents and purposes, went off the grid... neglecting the convention circuit, a very rare photo of her surfaced:  Needless to say, this became NOT OK by her friends and family's standards. They were all, "Katee, what the shit are you doing?" and she was like "But...I live in L.A. and therefore I can be at the movie theater on opening night if I camp out five days early!" So, as a result, Tricia and Boyfriend Scott decided to do a "Wine Country Intervention Retreat." Little did they know, it would change her life, again, for the better. (Not just HER thinking it was for the better, but it actually was going to change for the better, but not REALLY. It's actually kinda weird and convoluted to be honest.) PART TWO: Tricia and Boyfriend Scott Get Katee Drunk In Wine Country... to Force Her to Forget About The Twilight Saga: Twilight Peeling Katee away from the Twilight phenomena proved to be more difficult than either Tricia or Boyfriend Scott anticipated. In the picture above, Katee whipped out a bootleg DVD of Twilight in an attempt to get Tricia to watch the movie with her. As they were prying the DVD from her hand, a series of events would happen, that would change Katee's life...forever. She found Kristen Stewart...: *Disclaimer, this picture is simply a graphical representation based on the accounts of that day/night* Katee was able to compose herself long enough to form a plan. She thought this exactly - "OH MY FUCKING SQUEE FUCK!" - upon seeing Kristen Stewart, (Bella in The Twilight Saga: Twilight), juggling balls in the middle the field of grapes. Katee was going to use her celebrity to her advantage, or at least just remember how she wants people to act around her, and she decided right then "Ok, I'm going to be cool about this." The events that took place after their chance encounter are hazy... at best. In subsequent interviews with Katee, Tricia, Boyfriend Scott and Kristen Stewart, it's impossible to get a coherent time line or even a realistic series of events that seem even slightly believable. Much Like the New Testament, The Gospel According to Mathew, Mark, Luke and John, it's four different stories about ONE singular event. So, I will do exactly what the Catholic Church did, I'll tell you all four stories from the four different points of view. The Incident According to Boyfriend Scott: "I was a little drunk. As you can see in the picture, I'm not sure if I was falling or Katee was falling but either way, we were pretty shitty drunk. Tricia was back at the table stuffing her face with those Kettle Chips. You know the ones? I, personally, like the New York Cheddar ones and the Spicy Thai, but Tricia goes crazy over the basic "Salt and Pepper" ones or whatever they are. The bag is brown. Tricia GETS the munchies. Her husband warned me about that. Something about her getting wine drunk then "raiding the pantry".... Back to the story, Katee and I decided to stumble or walk or whatever though the field and I SWEAR to you Katee took off running. I mean she just....ran away from me. Maybe that's the picture there... Her trying to leave. Who...the hell took that picture? Ok... So Katee just hauls ass running away and I'm like "BABE! WHERE....ARE YOU GOING!" I was yelling after her and she didn't respond. Now, Katee has this problem with her hearing, where she can't hear a certain tone...or pitch of my voice after she's had any kind of mind altering substance. I'm talking stuff like Aspirin, anything like that. She'll be all "my calf muscle hurts" then I'll give her some Advil or Aspirin or some Ibuprofen and then about twenty minutes later I'm in the kitchen trying to ask her if I should put the onions in the saute pan and she's chopping up bell Peppers and I'm just going, "Katee....Katee......Katee........Katee........KATEE" So, I attributed it to that. I turned back around and decided to find Tricia and get some more wine. As I got to the table I saw the back of what I thought was Tricia rounding the corner of the Winery house....thing. But Tricia and Katee had on the same color jacket, so it was hard to tell through my Alcohol goggles...and my sunglasses had smudges on them and are so cheap. I lose them, you know...so I can't stand to buy expensive ones. Plus, I think Katee buys enough pricey sunglasses for the two of us, but don't tell her I said that. Ok? Alright back to it... I grab a bottle of this pretty good white wine. I'm more into White than Katee and Tricia. I can't deal...Red's HEAVY. And it gives me a headache, the tannins... the weird little French man said on that tour... something about tannins. So, I cut across the field and I see Katee, Tricia and this random girl lying in a circle ... with their feet in center. I didn't get very close to them because as I was walking I twisted my ankle on this root or rut... something sticking out of the ground. I fell, and that was it. I was done. I hit my head really hard and I think the bottle flew out of my hand and I landed on that hard surface as well. All I know is that when I woke up, I was lying in a bed and Katee was acting very strange." The Incident According to Tricia: "The first thing I remember about this particular incident is that Katee and Scott decided they needed to go for a walk. Stretch their legs or something. This happens because whenever Scott drinks, he gets really energetic. Like nothing I've ever seen. And Katee, well...she can hang with his hyperactivity when he's drinking which, I think, is probably why they work together. I have no desire to do a DAMN thing when I've been drinking. I would probably just encourage him to walk in circles or something in my general vicinity and we all know that only works on small kids, and even sometimes the kid looks at you like "do you REALLY have me just fetching a fucking ball for you while you sit on the couch and watch Tyra?" So yeah, um...they go for a walk. It was kind of funny because while they had every intention to walk down to the grape fields, they kinda ended up making these really broad obvious circles around this one tree in the distance. I just watched. I don't know, maybe it was only obvious to me...that they where walking in circles. I'm not so sure about either Katee or Scott's sense of direction - we did drive up here using a GPS. So I started getting hungry and decided to look for food. I think me or Scott killed the bag of chips. I'm not sure. All I know is that he's getting a year supply of Salt and Pepper Kettle chips courtesy of yours truly. But don't tell him that. That last part about his Christmas Gift is off the record. Ok? So yeah, he probably finished those chips because he loves the 'Salt and Pepper' kind but I was still hungry. I hadn't eaten all day. So, I decided despite the fact that we were in close proximity to a four star restaurant, that I really just wanted a Hoagie...and I also wanted Chicken Wings, and I was having the weirdest craving for Paella. I knew that I could get a Hoagie and Chicken Wings at the same restaurant, but I wasn't so sure about Paella. So, I just said "fuck it" and decided to call up the local Hooters to get all the food I could get my hands on in the middle of wine country like that. Now, I was far too drunk to drive, but I knew Scott could just walk there because he's so hyper. I don't know, I was pretty drunk to think that... now that I think about it...we probably could have just taken a cab. I decided to try and find Scott and place the To-Go order... for some reason, at the table I wasn't getting cell phone reception, so I got up and walked around the house...winery place. Which is when things got a little strange for me. There was a man holding a very large grape. Like....the size of a baseball. I started looking at that and looking up I saw Katee walking with this strange girl. She was dressed in white. That was it for me. I remember walking down the driveway of the Winery to try and hitch a ride to Hooters, and then I was in the restaurant of the winery eating a goat cheese salad with Scott and Katee and no one was talking." The Incident According to Katee: "Let me just....start this by saying that both Scott and Tricia were not only completely drunk, but they also had the misfortune of eating some Kettle chips that were contaminated with the remnants of some hallucinogenic fungi that grows on potatoes and which was not properly eradicated in the cooking process due to...something the hell or other I don't fucking know. SO essentially they were "Tripping their fucking asses off".... is like the nice way to describe their behavior. I had seen someone under the influence of a Mind Altering Substance before, so I was kinda hip to what was going on. So Tricia literally has her head INSIDE this bag of chips and she keeps saying "HOOTERS! HOOTERS!" I didn't see any owls and she wasn't particularly staring at my chest or manhandling her own, so I really had no idea what she was going on about. Then, suddenly, Scott just jumps up and says "I have to walk. You want to walk? I have to walk. let's walk. let's get out of here. I have to walk I HAVE TO WALK!" Since I wasn't in the mood to sit there and watch Tricia molest a bag of chips, I decided to get up and follow Scott. I looked back at Tricia, while she, for some reason, was in the middle of launching her cell phone over the Winery...House Place and I think she was yelling something about Spain. I think she maybe was a softball pitcher or something in High School, because her cell phone nearly cleared the top of the roof. It was really amazing. I guess in looking back at Tricia, Scott took this opportunity to "escape the confounds of the yard"...is what I thought I heard him say as I was watching Tricia's phone fly through the air... Either way, I lost him ...I turned my head back to him and he was gone... ran off or something... because the last thing I saw was his vague image vanish behind a row of grape vines in the distance. When I looked back again for Tricia, she was also gone. So I was alone, that was when I started heading in the opposite direction, because just across the other side of the yard was this nice valley with a train running through it...it was cool because you could look down from the valley and they had all these nice little houses down there with tons of character and the train would go through the bottom of the valley... it was just damn pretty...and that was where I ran into Kristen Stewart. She was just CHILLIN there. That was it. I freaked out in my mind, but then I was like "oh no...she's just HUMAN same way I'm just HUMAN despite all my bat shit crazy fans" So I walked up to her all "hey" and she was all "hey" We talked a bit but I never mentioned Twilight. I may have offered to buy her alcohol at one point, and she wondered how I knew she was underage. She didn't seem to recognize me, but I was OK with that. So we just went our separate ways. I'm not sure if she was staying at the same winery as we were, but either way I didn't see her again on that trip. But it was cool and chill. It made me happy." The Incident According to Kristen Stewart: "What?..................... OH! Yeah, someone DID offer to buy me alcohol there. That happened. Yes. That happened. It did. For sure. But I was high as a bitch at the time I barely remember...plus whoever it was...they were back lit, so I didn't actually know who I was dealing with at the time. I couldn't see their face at all." PART THREE: Katee Sackhoff and Kristen Stewart Fight For A Good Cause: Unlike the rumors, Katee and Kristen Stewart did not physically fight. At no time, actually, did either actress lay hands on one another. There was another chance encounter, and this time Kristen Stewart would know who she is dealing with. At an event called "Name Your Weird Indie-Movie" Katee and Kristen Stewart where both in attendance. Kristen was there for CakeSomethingOrOther (not the official title) and Katee was there because Boyfriend Scott was there for some movie that I would have to look up on IMDB and I don't feel like navigating away from this page. So that won't happen. They where both there, and as it turns out they DID have a common goal: and that goal was to not only "not die from Swine Flu" but raise awareness of said "flu", and they both knew that going to any red carpet event with the masks would raise the proper awareness that people needed to take this whateverDemic seriously. This was the point where Kristen Stewart and Katee made a formal, public introduction, and decided that between Katee's pull as the popular "Starbuck" and Kristen Stewarts pull as the popular "Bella Swan" that their combined resources could raise A LOT of internet awareness on Swine Flu. While this seemed like a good idea, and it was, to combine their resources, their executed plan was not so successful. PART FOUR: Swine Flu / Bobble Head Awareness Project We all remember the extremely creepy and unsuccessful "Bobble Head Doll" photo shoots that Katee and Kristen Stewart did? If not, here is a reminder: So while the series of "awareness" photos where extremely unsuccessful, it did allow for Katee's fans, the SPanks, to realize that she is also a regular person. (Except that she's WAY more awesome, with a much more bad ass jawline and arm muscles) and that she wants to be treated as she treated Kristen Stewart. (Except she doesn't, she wants people to obsess about her character TO her while taking a tons of pictures with the flash bulb all going off in her eyes every two seconds.) Fin.