Katee Sackhoff and "The Twilight Saga" Saga: The Color Brown and Sparkle Dots

POSTED BY:  FatApolloLoveSpank 

 

The Color Brown and Sparkle Dots

(or The Three Step Guide For How To Land A Role In the Fourth and Final Installment of
“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” As Applied To The Katee Sackhoff)

So, word on the streets (internet) is that Katee Sackhoff is a huge fan of “The Twilight Saga: Twilight”. Now, we at Team SPank think this is just absolutely wonderful (a small minority of us think this is wonderful…but luckily we are the minority that have the ability to post articles). According to one of our Team Members and Co-Founders and Site-Owners and Token-Australians (MaxiSpank), The Katee Sackhoff has expressed a real interest in being “in” one of “The Twilight Saga” movies. This is also just wonderful. Almost too wonderful….to be expressed with words other than “wonderful”.

Now, MaxiSpank learned of this secret (not secret at all) desire of our TeamLeader’s to be involved in “The Twilight Saga” by attending some “convention” in “Australia” where The Katee Sackhoff wore a Twilight “T-shirt” and proclaimed her willingness to “sneak” onto set and portray a “shrub”. We are here to tell you, Katee Sackhoff, we have experienced your acting chops and this is not necessary. Not at all.

Still, we know (we don’t know at all) what a weird incestuous inbred sex creepy system Hollywood can be. Maybe you don’t have the proper “in” to be….”in” one of these “movies”. Well, this is where Team SPank can help you.

We, being the stalky, no-life-having, obsessive assholes that we are, have scoured the internet searching for ways in which we can bypass the system and hook The Katee Sackhoff up with a part in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” (maybe The Katee Sackhoff is willing to be in any of the movies…but Team SPank has their standards. Only the most cracked out, throwed, special vampire LSD movie will do).

We have found a way.

Step 1: Acquire Deep, Rich, Popping Brown Eyes
Here’s the deal, Katee Sackhoff. Maybe you didn’t know this, but you have hazely green sort of eyes.

I don’t know by what misfortune you came by these eyes, probably you were born with them. The fact of the matter is, they simply will not do for “The Twilight Saga”. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What? My eyes are so totally awesome! They are really dynamic and sometimes they switch colors depending on what I wear and my God they’re just so flipping sexy!”. Yeah well, you’re wrong. Team SPank maybe thought that once (or twice) about your eyes a long, long time (a few months) ago but I have long since seen the light.

You see, the lead actress in “The Twilight Saga: Twilight” and the upcoming “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” , Kristen Stewart, once had eyes like yours. And, I mean, maybe even a little worse. She was sporting some seriously pale green eyes.

However, you’ll notice that those green eyes just weren’t cutting the mustard and never made it into the movie. And it’s not a surprise. I mean, greens and blues are so light and empty and people who have them cannot be taken seriously. Ever. Kristen Stewart knew this going in. And you know what? She did something about it.

Do you see what she did there? It’s pretty subtle, I know, but notice her eyes. They’re a color. A dark color yet bright. I mean, her eyes are just this rich dark vibrant popping brown. The brownest of the brown, like if you mix oak and stained chestnut with just a hint of aged leather.

I know what you’re thinking now. “How can I make my eyes less green and more brown?”. Well, Katee Sackhoff, I’m glad you asked. You see, you are at a natural advantage over Kristen Stewart. Her eyes were just this pale, lifeless boring green. You have hazel eyes…which might have some brown naturally in them!

Basically what you need to do it wear more brownish sort of clothes to help with that. The green in your eyes will reflect the brown off the brown so that they appear a more popping brown than they are. Never, ever wear green or light green. Your eyes will just go bananas with color and general greenness and everyone DISLIKES THAT A LOT. Vivid, fucked up disdain is what everyone feels…for that color (green) in your eyes.
However, if you want to seriously pursue a role in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” you’re going to need to consider a more “extreme” approach. Basically you’re going to need to obtain contacts (legally or illegally…do what you need to do) that are brown. Like a sort of brown that pops and is all sparks and fire and is in no way lifeless and dull compared to colors like green or other such colors.

You see? Look at how happy and “having-a-role-in-the-movie” Kristen Stewart is with her brown eyes.

“It’s the color ‘brown’ I think…but it’s not just brown like the crayon or anything. It’s more beautiful brown. Like fresh earth dirt in a summer garden in a lake in Vermont, mixed with a rich stallion brown that has just a hint of red/brown if the sun hits it the right way, and just the tiniest little smidge of that light cracked dry desert brown. There’s even a little hint of the brown you see in the Mississippi Delta, that’s called ‘Delta brown’. It’s all those beautiful brown colors mixed together, put in contact form and placed over her eyes. It’s like…poetry. ” – LittleSpank (DJ)

Now, in the case that you do decide to go the contact-route, then feel free to wear any amounts of greens you want.

As long as the greens aren’t in your eyes, feel free to sport the color proudly. In fact, the green can be used much to your advantage in making your eyes a more fiery, lively, popping sex brown that pops.

Step 2: Embrace Sparkle Dots As Part of Your Life
Alright, this is what’s happening in the world of “The Twilight Saga: Twilight”. There are vampires sparkling. That is something that happened. And it’s going to happen in “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” and it’s going to happen A LOT in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” (which is, I believe, the role you’re going for). This is probably the most fantastic vampire myth ever to be called “canon” in anything.

It has recently come to the attention of Team SPank that the sparkles seen in the movie on the skin of one Edward Cullen were not his own. They were in fact, possibly, CGI. Well, being the curious little hookers that we are, we carried on not giving a shit. Then, while perusing some Kristen Stewart photo galleries (that are amazingly organized and up to date compared with our own gallery) in order to leer and ogle Stewart’s infamous “bitchface” we stumbled across some pictures from the set of the yet-to-be-released “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”.

Our first thought was “Check out that green shirt and how it makes those brown eyes pop.”

Our second thought was “Holy fuck, look at Kristen Stewart grinding on the Pattz’ shit”.

Our third thought was “Look at Kristen Stewart running. She’s not athletic at all. That’s going to be fucking awkward as hell to watch.”

Our fourth thought was “Wow. A spray-on six pack. ALSO AWKWARD.”

But the fifth thing we thought was what we really want to talk about.
And that would be “What are those…things….on…..are those…..dots?”

And you know what? They’re dots.

But they’re not just any dots. No, no. After much deliberation and thorough analysis we came to the conclusion that this scene takes place when the sun…is out.
Which, Katee Sackhoff, you know can only mean ONE THING.

Yes. Those are sparkle dots.

And you need to get some….on you.

Step 3: Go Audition.
So, imagine this:

You walk in, strutting your stuff, wearing something sexy, your hair looks just really phenomenal, you’re smiling and confident, you’re slightly drunk from the wine you were just pounding back on the ride here. The audition people look you up and down and say “Wow. What an amazing, sexy, confident, drunk young woman. Who is she?” As luck would have it, they do not recognize you from the unfortunate occurrence on the set of “The Twilight Saga: Twilight”. You’re good to go.

Just as they’re about to immediately cast you on the spot, they hesitate. “Wait. If only there was something…..more.”

That, Katee Sackhoff, is when you shed the jacket you were wearing (did I not mention that? You’re wearing a fairly large, bulky, yet sexy overcoat) revealing that you have meticulously and artfully donned several dozen (hundreds) of sparkle dots. The audition people don’t know where these dots came from, nor do they feel the need to inquire. They are immediately dazzled.

So, they’re as good as signing the papers (you know, those papers that say…”yes” to you being in the movie. Those papers) and they pause…again.

So they look at your clothes and they notice that you’re not wearing green. This would normally be a good thing, considering the status of your eyeballs’ color. But something is different. Something very nearly indescribable. They can imagine that if you were wearing green it would do….something…for your eyes. But what? It would definitely make them more…something.

That’s what they realize that your eyes are no longer their natural ugly hazel green. They are now like a sort of softness of wet mud mixed with dark chocolate and milk chocolate and Mexican hot chocolate with a hint of light tree trunk and cloves where when the sun hits it it's got a hint of rusty chain link fence red and it's just so earthy and delicious and it's like someone managed to capture the essence of nature and rusty fences and somehow harness that into these tiny...things...that you put in your eyes to cover the color green.

You are hired.

Boyfriend Scott: Lover, Producer, Fear of Commitmenter

POSTED BY:  FatApolloLoveSpank 

 

BOYFRIEND SCOTT

Lover, Producer, Fear of Commitmenter

 

* * *

There is much about Scott Niemeyer’s life that remains a closely guarded secret, such as his age, where he was born, and whether or not he ever knew the joys of being a pet owner in his youth. The man we have all come to know and love as “Boyfriend Scott” has been deemed “not relevant” enough for the intimate details of his life to be published publicly on the Wikipedia machine. This renders him a mysterious enigma, and there are only a few verifiable facts that Team SPank can glean from this most super extra special sauce of Honorary Members.

What is available on the internet, essentially, is Boyfriend Scott’s work history. He has worked on at least 2 movies and may have worked on up to 33. Sometimes he’s executive producer and other times he’s just part of the “miscellaneous crew”. His role in “the business” change from day to day even though some people (The Katee Sackhoff) have claimed with much authority that he is, in fact, a “D.P.”. What those two letters stand for, we can really only guess. Dill Pickle? Dastardly Pirate? Duck-billed Platypus? We’re pretty sure it stands for none of these things.

Boyfriend "Producer-Suit" Scott and Katee "Holy-Fucking-Blue-Dress" Sackhoff

Very little is known about Boyfriend Scott other than the above cold, hard facts.

Does he like a variety of cheeses? What is his favorite Victorian era novel? Does global warming upset him in the slightest?

We may never know the answers to these questions (and I think they are the questions that are on everyone’s mind). But there is one thing we know about Boyfriend Scott that has nothing to do with his career in the slightest and is therefore deeply personal and completely inappropriate for Team SPank to discuss.
And that is that he likes The Katee Sackhoff. A lot.

Boyfriend Scott has been Katee’s “boyfriend” for about three “Cort and Fatboy” interviews now. Which….is a long time. Bunches of months, even (years and years). What we have surmised from his time spent with our TeamLeader is that he doesn’t like football, he is “in the business”, he’s “great”, and that we actually have no idea at all how he feels about football (but he probably doesn’t play it).

One of the most important keys to Boyfriend Scott’s character that we are aware of (through the magic of Tricia Helfer’s Blog) is that he rides “the motorbikes”. This makes him, undoubtedly “hip” and “too cool for school”, which is probably the main reason he’s been able to keep the attention of our TeamLeader. Team SPank has never claimed to be an expert on the motorbikes (and by “Team SPank” I, of course, mean “me”. There could actually be several motorbike experts on the Team that I am completely unaware of…because I care like that), so many hours of research later – after pouring over articles littered with words like “Harley” and “Suzuki” and “assless chaps” – it has been determined that Boyfriend Scott seems to favor the more “black” sort of motorbike with the two wheels.

From Left: T.Helf's Husband, T.Helf, The Sackhoff, Boyfriend Scott, Boyfriend Scott's Motorbike, Some Guy Who Is Also There

Unfortunately, with this awesome sauce hobby comes Boyfriend Scott’s only vice; The Infamous Half-Helmet.

Many dozens of several times, Boyfriend Scott has been seen “on the streets” with The Katee Sackhoff and their respective motorbikes. And each of these times Team SPank has been met with the horrifying confirmation that Boyfriend Scott not only wears “the half-helmet atrocity”, but that he has somehow managed to trick our wholesome, sensible, completely innocent TeamLeader into also donning the half-completely-useless “safety” gear. It has been thought by some that perhaps this was determined to be a good idea by Boyfriend Scott because it made the pair of them look like adorably retro “twins”. And yeah, it does.

The Adorably Retroly Twinish Yet Unpractical Half-Helmets

But still.

Poor-Helmet-Judgment aside, Boyfriend Scott would appear to lead an exemplary life…which none of us know anything about, really. Apart from producing and motorbiking, we also know that Boyfriend Scott (1) probably doesn’t enjoy wine as much as The Katee Sackhoff and T-Helf (does anyone?) (2) and he likes to hold hands sometimes. (3) Also, occasionally, when the moment is right, he’ll ride in a limo.

(1)

(2)

(3)

Also, according to the TeamLeader, Boyfriend Scott exhibits a very typical and respectable trait. And that is the nearly irrepressible urge to “run the other way” when faced with the idea of commitment. Word on the street is that The Katee Sackhoff mentioned this fear of his in some article of some magazine that no one in the entirety of Team SPank has ever seen or read. His friends then “made fun of him about it”, and The Katee Sackhoff confirmed that she, too, is a fear of commitmenter unless there are children involved. And since children, in general, repulse The Katee Sackhoff (Team SPank (me)) I think they have several more blissful years of lack of commitmenting ahead of them.

* * *

* * *

Updates

POSTED BY:  MaxiSpank

 

So I think we can probably move on from the birthday thing safely now, before that card on the front page drives all to the shrink and the drink.

Here are a few new site addition thingos you really need to know about:

• The Sackhoff Gold page has been updated with a particularly shameful addition.

• In other earth shattering news, FatApolloLoveSpank has announced that she will be writing an episodic, tent-pole series based on her groundbreaking Katee Sackhoff piece, "Collarbone". Fats has informed us that for each new episode of Battlestar Galactica Season 4, she will be writing a companion piece detailing the trials and tribulations of Katee's collarbone in that episode, as it endeavors to overcome that pesky flight suit and the Malicious Collarbone Obstruction that results. Dark times.

Fats' Collarbone reviews can be found in the Katee Reviews section, from the Katee menu. The first one is now posted for your viewing pleasure - that is if you are as depraved and unhinged as the rest of us and get a kick out of that sort of thing. (The Collarbone things are sick but they are bloody funny).

How is it that I am far more curious about what Katee Sackhoff would feel about Fats perving on her collarbone than I am about what happened to Starbuck after she blew into a million bits?

 

Note to Fats: I'm just a little curious about your review/s in the week/s where Katee doesn't appear in the episode at all. What will happen? That's got to be like the ultimate Malicious Collarbone Obstruction, wouldn't you say? Actually I think you need to come up with a new term for that occurrence, 'cause "Malicious" just isn't going to cut the mustard when that happens.