Boyfriend Scott: Lover, Producer, Fear of Commitmenter

POSTED BY:  FatApolloLoveSpank 

 

BOYFRIEND SCOTT

Lover, Producer, Fear of Commitmenter

 

* * *

There is much about Scott Niemeyer’s life that remains a closely guarded secret, such as his age, where he was born, and whether or not he ever knew the joys of being a pet owner in his youth. The man we have all come to know and love as “Boyfriend Scott” has been deemed “not relevant” enough for the intimate details of his life to be published publicly on the Wikipedia machine. This renders him a mysterious enigma, and there are only a few verifiable facts that Team SPank can glean from this most super extra special sauce of Honorary Members.

What is available on the internet, essentially, is Boyfriend Scott’s work history. He has worked on at least 2 movies and may have worked on up to 33. Sometimes he’s executive producer and other times he’s just part of the “miscellaneous crew”. His role in “the business” change from day to day even though some people (The Katee Sackhoff) have claimed with much authority that he is, in fact, a “D.P.”. What those two letters stand for, we can really only guess. Dill Pickle? Dastardly Pirate? Duck-billed Platypus? We’re pretty sure it stands for none of these things.

Boyfriend "Producer-Suit" Scott and Katee "Holy-Fucking-Blue-Dress" Sackhoff

Very little is known about Boyfriend Scott other than the above cold, hard facts.

Does he like a variety of cheeses? What is his favorite Victorian era novel? Does global warming upset him in the slightest?

We may never know the answers to these questions (and I think they are the questions that are on everyone’s mind). But there is one thing we know about Boyfriend Scott that has nothing to do with his career in the slightest and is therefore deeply personal and completely inappropriate for Team SPank to discuss.
And that is that he likes The Katee Sackhoff. A lot.

Boyfriend Scott has been Katee’s “boyfriend” for about three “Cort and Fatboy” interviews now. Which….is a long time. Bunches of months, even (years and years). What we have surmised from his time spent with our TeamLeader is that he doesn’t like football, he is “in the business”, he’s “great”, and that we actually have no idea at all how he feels about football (but he probably doesn’t play it).

One of the most important keys to Boyfriend Scott’s character that we are aware of (through the magic of Tricia Helfer’s Blog) is that he rides “the motorbikes”. This makes him, undoubtedly “hip” and “too cool for school”, which is probably the main reason he’s been able to keep the attention of our TeamLeader. Team SPank has never claimed to be an expert on the motorbikes (and by “Team SPank” I, of course, mean “me”. There could actually be several motorbike experts on the Team that I am completely unaware of…because I care like that), so many hours of research later – after pouring over articles littered with words like “Harley” and “Suzuki” and “assless chaps” – it has been determined that Boyfriend Scott seems to favor the more “black” sort of motorbike with the two wheels.

From Left: T.Helf's Husband, T.Helf, The Sackhoff, Boyfriend Scott, Boyfriend Scott's Motorbike, Some Guy Who Is Also There

Unfortunately, with this awesome sauce hobby comes Boyfriend Scott’s only vice; The Infamous Half-Helmet.

Many dozens of several times, Boyfriend Scott has been seen “on the streets” with The Katee Sackhoff and their respective motorbikes. And each of these times Team SPank has been met with the horrifying confirmation that Boyfriend Scott not only wears “the half-helmet atrocity”, but that he has somehow managed to trick our wholesome, sensible, completely innocent TeamLeader into also donning the half-completely-useless “safety” gear. It has been thought by some that perhaps this was determined to be a good idea by Boyfriend Scott because it made the pair of them look like adorably retro “twins”. And yeah, it does.

The Adorably Retroly Twinish Yet Unpractical Half-Helmets

But still.

Poor-Helmet-Judgment aside, Boyfriend Scott would appear to lead an exemplary life…which none of us know anything about, really. Apart from producing and motorbiking, we also know that Boyfriend Scott (1) probably doesn’t enjoy wine as much as The Katee Sackhoff and T-Helf (does anyone?) (2) and he likes to hold hands sometimes. (3) Also, occasionally, when the moment is right, he’ll ride in a limo.

(1)

(2)

(3)

Also, according to the TeamLeader, Boyfriend Scott exhibits a very typical and respectable trait. And that is the nearly irrepressible urge to “run the other way” when faced with the idea of commitment. Word on the street is that The Katee Sackhoff mentioned this fear of his in some article of some magazine that no one in the entirety of Team SPank has ever seen or read. His friends then “made fun of him about it”, and The Katee Sackhoff confirmed that she, too, is a fear of commitmenter unless there are children involved. And since children, in general, repulse The Katee Sackhoff (Team SPank (me)) I think they have several more blissful years of lack of commitmenting ahead of them.

* * *

* * *