The TeamSPank Bee Sting Crisis Center

The TeamSPank Bee Sting Crisis Center

aka

Don't Pull ...........Scrape!!!

TeamSPank have recently made the startling discovery that our Team Leader is not only allergic to bees, she is Fucking Terrified Of Them!!! Not only is she Fucking Terrified Of Them AND Allergic to them, she also becomes Mildly Psychotic when they invade her personal space.

Evidence Exhibit A

Prevention

Naturally, as her concerned constituents, we feel that we need to do all that we can to prevent anything unforeseen happening to our SPanker Chief. Unfortunately there is very little we can do to prevent any bees from encroaching on her territory in day to day life. For instance, she might be picking daises in the backyard with which to bedazzle her motorbike, when she inadvertently 'cock blocks' a poor old bee who's just trying to get his regular afternoon honey fix. Nothing TeamSPank can do about that. She might be gunning it down the highway on the said same daisy-bedazzled bike when a rogue bee hits her slap bang in the middle of the face. Nothing TeamSPank can do about that. (Although we did give it a good shot when we tried to convince her to buy a FULL helmet that would have had a protective visor right where that pesky little shit of a bee decided to launch his attack).

Treatment

While the SPankers may not be able to do much in the way of sting prevention we certainly CAN do something on the back-end and help Katee with her emergency treatment. Let's be honest, TeamSPank are no more than a bunch of losers on the internet who really know fuck all about bee sting treatment or anything else that might actually come in handy in real life. But what we can do is GOOGLE!!! So before you read any further below, if you actually for some insane reason find yourself on this page while in the midst of a Katee Sackhoff Bee Sting Crisis, PLEASEEEEE go to the sensible, medically sound sites listed below for help.

Actually, on second thoughts, since bee sting allergies can be serious shit, you need to get the TeamLeader to the hospital ASAP. (If anything untoward happened to The Sackhoff, we might have to start up a TeamTricia Treehouse from scratch, and frankly that would be a fucking drag).

Bee Sting Crisis Center - Legit Links

Bee Sting Allergies & Treatments http://allergies.about.com/od/insectallergies/a/venomallergy.htm Bee Sting Treatment #2 http://firstaid.about.com/od/heatcoldexposure/ht/07_bee_sting.htm

I bet Katee's not smiling

To Pull or To Scrape?

Believe it or not, TeamSPank have done some legitimate research into this subject (which, by our standards, means a 2 minute Google and a quick skim). What we've discovered is that there is much debate about whether or not to scrape off or pull out the stinger. Really, this is a pretty damn controversial topic. The major issue is how much venom gets released into the blood stream.(ta da - evidence of

research skim). Having done this impressive research skim, TeamSPank can confidently recommend that it doesn't really matter what method you use as long as you take that little fucker out as fast as you can.

Phobias

Katee Sackhoff appears to be not only allergic to bees, but pretty shit scared of them too. We've no doubt all heard of the saying "confront your fears". Well, below is something that should help Katee along with this. If she watches this and overcomes her fears, she might still get stung by a bee and the shit could still hit the fan, but at least she won't be frightened anymore.

Here's the link to the full Jace Hall thing - it's made of some serious win (it's also on the media/interview page if you can't watch it at the official site cause you're not an American like me. I can't even tell if that link works).

"how close is the hospital?"

TeamSPank Pimpage Pics

POSTED BY:  AdminiSpanker 

As endorsed by The Sackhoff. Well, she signed them anyway. DJ did most of them. She's the only one around here who has any actual skill, (despite her obvious failings as a human*).

http://www.teamspank.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=389&Itemid=175

Whoever gets to the bottom of the "SP Quirk" issue wins a prize. sarahspank will give you one of her prized official Buffy fan club stickers or something like that (she just doesn't know it yet).

* I think I should be safe to say that as like most of the SPankers, DJ never, ever reads anything anyone else around here writes. In the words of TronSpank, we're the biggest bunch of "grandiose narrassists" he's ever seen. In fact, I'm think of starting one thread for each Spanker at the Treehouse, so we can all go there to write more focused, on-topic shit about ourselves. Actually I don't know whyI'm even typing this. It's not like any of you other SPankers are ever going to notice. Oh well.

Katee Sackhoff and "The Twilight Saga" Saga: Her Scenes Unveiled

POSTED BY:  LittleSpank 

 

Oh yeah, we totally got along on set. I really have no idea what happened because as far as I know her scenes were with Kris and Rob, but I did hear about ‘the incident.’ Kris’s memory is not so fresh on it, but Rob’s is…was. You know what I mean.”-Nikki Reed

“What now?”- Kristen Stewart

“She just called me, she said ‘T-bird, I need you to pick me up from the set…NOW’…she seemed stressed out, so I wasn’t going to press the issue. We didn’t have the chance to talk about it then, and I’m not really sure how she would feel about me talking about it here, with you.”-Tricia Helfer

“yeah, she took ALL of them. The entire BAG!” -Joseph McNulty (Head of Props)

In the second installment of “The Sackhoff and The Twilight Saga Saga” I will attempt to truthfully and realistically reveal to you, the reader, the series of events that changed the entire Twilight movie, by exploring how Katee Sackhoff was almost in the Twilight movie, but for reasons still very unclear to me (anyone) she left the set and was cut from the movie.

The Sackhoff and Her Love For Sparkle Dots: Her Scenes Unveiled

The quotes used to ease you into this article where all taken completely out of context and poached from various interviews. (Seeing as how I am no longer allowed within 500 yards of most of the people in Katee Sackhoff's life or any of the top billed characters in The Twilight Saga, it took some sleek detective work on my part to get the exclusive interviews used for this article.) With that being said, let us explore the truthful merit of the previously mentioned quotes, and how they pertain to possibly the greatest thing…ever. Katee Sackhoff almost having a role in The Twilight Saga: Twilight.

Catherine Hardwicke was a huge fan of Battlestar Galactica, so it only seemed natural that she would attempt to acquire The Sackhoff for a role in her new movie. Unfortunatly, there was not a role in Twilight written for The Sackhoff, so Hardwicke was going to have to take creative control over the situation and MAKE a role for Katee.

In working out a role for The Sackhoff, Katee was brought to the set of the movie to hang out for a few days while the creative team behindThe Twilight Saga: Twilight could figure out her role and how to best work her into the movie, while keeping the “integrity” of the original story close to original canon. (It is rumored that even some of Katee's friends, Jamie Bamber most notably, was very much against Katee doing anything to "mess" with his favorite character in the story, Bella.)

Katee Sackhoff, a self proclaimed fan of Twilight, asked if she could sit in on the filming of some of the key scenes in the book. Hardwicke obliged, and Katee was then allowed to be on set during the filming of several important scenes, all she had to do was sign a confidentially agreement and she could freely sit on set and hang out while they filmed. The scene in which Edward reveals to Bella that he has “the skin of a killer” was the first point that Katee was allowed on set during filming.

Nikki Reed, who was also hanging around the set waiting to shoot her scenes, met up with Katee. They sat in on the filming of that scene, and according to Nikki, Katee started talking to one of the prop guys, "Something about them both being from St. Helens...I don't know", Nikki Reed would later confirm.

There is one account, according to Nikki, that Katee hid in the meadow scene during the shoot and went un-noticed by Hardwicke or any other members of the crew. I could not, in all my investigation find anything that supported Ms. Reed’s claim. I did, however, come across this extremely rare frame. It is rumored that this frame did make it into the theatrical version, but that by the time the movie was on DVD it had been cut out completely.

That supposed "incident" did not get Katee kicked off the set, but there was speculation that a bag of "sparkle dots" went missing. To those of you that do not have an RSS feed of New Moon set pictures, I should probably explain the "sparkle dot" phenomena.

If you can, look closely at Robert’s skin, you will see they are covered in tiny little dots. It is speculated by the Twilight fandom that these dots are meant for CGI purposes to make the vampires have "the skin of a killer." In order for the Post production crew to make this happen, they need what are known as “sparkle dots” Obviously, they come in baggies. After the “supposed” "incident" in the meadow with Ms. Sackhoff, a bag of sparkle dots went missing, and sparkle dots....started showing up in odd places.

Sparkle Dot Incident #1: Katee has a Salmon Burger with Billy Burke, the guy playing Bella’s dad. They bond over mustaches. They talk about how Boy friend Scott and Charlie both have them. They eat salmon burgers. They enjoy the Salmon burgers...a lot.

Within the hour, he was shooting a scene. I present to you, exhibit A:

Katee was spotted walking out of the room where they keep the majority of the props for the Twilight movie. The following scenes where later uncovered:

Katee eventually left the Twilight set, but in my investigation of this topic, a few other pictures surfaced:

It is still a mystery whether or not she left the set on her own accord, or she was asked to leave, or if there was a contract issue, consideringBattlestar Galactica was still filming at that point. Was it the sparkle dot incident that did it? or was it her showing up in almost every significant scene? I guess, based on this evidence I presented, it may have been a little of both.

Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight

Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight

Attention Katee Sackhoff: This "article" was written by the same person who wrote your playlist review - DJ. That should explain a lot. Or nothing at all. TeamSPank really needs to look into getting DJ medicated. Attention Everyone Else: This "article" has some factual merit. Katee Sackhoff does love Twilight and the participants names are spelled correctly. Other than that.......? Attention DJ: You of all people should know that we don't allow fan fiction at TeamSPank HQ. Talk about borderline! Attention Katee Sackhoff again: This is what happens when your fans have no new Sackhoff performances to look forward to. Sorry! Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight By DJ SPank It has recently come to the attention of the SPanks that Katee Sackhoff is a huge fan of The Twilight Saga: Twilight. Whether or not she is a fan of the rest of the books or movies remains to be seen. I have taken it upon myself to do some research on Katee's Fan Girlness when it comes to The Twilight Saga: Twilight, and quickly learned that Katee Sackhoff is as big a fan of Twilight as the Spanks are a fan of her. (Katee, I meant... in case you didn't know who "her" was because sometimes my sentences run on and on and you don't know if "her" is "Katee" or if the her is "Kristen Stewart" or if the her is actually a "him" or an "it" like...Boyfriend Scott or Twilight the actual movie.) PART ONE: Katee Sackhoff Reads The Twilight Saga and Comes Clean To Her Friends Katee first discovered the Twilight Saga when she was on the set of the late Battlestar Galactica. She and co-star Jamie Bamber, were discussing what "motivates" their characters because as we all know, Starbuck was bat shit fucking crazy and not even Katee Sackhoff knew how to handle the character. For Bamber, he felt that his character, Apollo, really identified with the main character in the Twilight saga, Bella. Needless to say, Katee had no desire to delve further into a character that did not belong to her. A few days later, she was killing time between a shoot, and noticed the apple on the front cover and thought "hmm...I'm kinda hungry" so naturally, she read the book. She was able to read the first half of it in that one sitting, then she forgot it existed. This was not much of a surprise, considering how the Twilight book (itself) kinda blows large chunks. One day, as fate would have it, she was getting drunk on some wine looking up Tricia Helfer fan videos on YouTube where she happened upon a link to the Trailer of Twilight. (The "related video" path she took to get her from "Tricia Helfer Fan Vids" to "Twilight" is still a bit of mystery, but my hypothesis is that it was that Michael Westen/Carla Shipper video to "Flightless Bird" which eventually led her to the Twilight trailer.) She watched the trailer and like any normal human being was all, "OH! Totally need to FINISH THAT SHIT!", so she borrowed the book from Jamie, who was now on Breaking Dawn, and not really liking where it was taking Bella/Lee's character. Moving onto the next three books was somewhat of an easy task. She was now done with Battlestar Galactica and mainly just sitting around with Boyfriend Scott and drinking wine. No one is arguing with the notion that THIS is the best way to enjoy the Twilight Saga (drunk, that is). So, upon finishing the book, and having downtime after Battlestar Galactica was over, she decided to "act like a fan" when it came to Twilight. It is not very clear if the night she had with Breaking Dawn sent her from "oh, I like it alright" to "TWILIGHT SQUEE FUCKING SQUEEE!" (in later interviews, even Boyfriend Scott has no idea how this table turned, and neither do we.) So while Katee, for all intents and purposes, went off the grid... neglecting the convention circuit, a very rare photo of her surfaced:  Needless to say, this became NOT OK by her friends and family's standards. They were all, "Katee, what the shit are you doing?" and she was like "But...I live in L.A. and therefore I can be at the movie theater on opening night if I camp out five days early!" So, as a result, Tricia and Boyfriend Scott decided to do a "Wine Country Intervention Retreat." Little did they know, it would change her life, again, for the better. (Not just HER thinking it was for the better, but it actually was going to change for the better, but not REALLY. It's actually kinda weird and convoluted to be honest.) PART TWO: Tricia and Boyfriend Scott Get Katee Drunk In Wine Country... to Force Her to Forget About The Twilight Saga: Twilight Peeling Katee away from the Twilight phenomena proved to be more difficult than either Tricia or Boyfriend Scott anticipated. In the picture above, Katee whipped out a bootleg DVD of Twilight in an attempt to get Tricia to watch the movie with her. As they were prying the DVD from her hand, a series of events would happen, that would change Katee's life...forever. She found Kristen Stewart...: *Disclaimer, this picture is simply a graphical representation based on the accounts of that day/night* Katee was able to compose herself long enough to form a plan. She thought this exactly - "OH MY FUCKING SQUEE FUCK!" - upon seeing Kristen Stewart, (Bella in The Twilight Saga: Twilight), juggling balls in the middle the field of grapes. Katee was going to use her celebrity to her advantage, or at least just remember how she wants people to act around her, and she decided right then "Ok, I'm going to be cool about this." The events that took place after their chance encounter are hazy... at best. In subsequent interviews with Katee, Tricia, Boyfriend Scott and Kristen Stewart, it's impossible to get a coherent time line or even a realistic series of events that seem even slightly believable. Much Like the New Testament, The Gospel According to Mathew, Mark, Luke and John, it's four different stories about ONE singular event. So, I will do exactly what the Catholic Church did, I'll tell you all four stories from the four different points of view. The Incident According to Boyfriend Scott: "I was a little drunk. As you can see in the picture, I'm not sure if I was falling or Katee was falling but either way, we were pretty shitty drunk. Tricia was back at the table stuffing her face with those Kettle Chips. You know the ones? I, personally, like the New York Cheddar ones and the Spicy Thai, but Tricia goes crazy over the basic "Salt and Pepper" ones or whatever they are. The bag is brown. Tricia GETS the munchies. Her husband warned me about that. Something about her getting wine drunk then "raiding the pantry".... Back to the story, Katee and I decided to stumble or walk or whatever though the field and I SWEAR to you Katee took off running. I mean she just....ran away from me. Maybe that's the picture there... Her trying to leave. Who...the hell took that picture? Ok... So Katee just hauls ass running away and I'm like "BABE! WHERE....ARE YOU GOING!" I was yelling after her and she didn't respond. Now, Katee has this problem with her hearing, where she can't hear a certain tone...or pitch of my voice after she's had any kind of mind altering substance. I'm talking stuff like Aspirin, anything like that. She'll be all "my calf muscle hurts" then I'll give her some Advil or Aspirin or some Ibuprofen and then about twenty minutes later I'm in the kitchen trying to ask her if I should put the onions in the saute pan and she's chopping up bell Peppers and I'm just going, "Katee....Katee......Katee........Katee........KATEE" So, I attributed it to that. I turned back around and decided to find Tricia and get some more wine. As I got to the table I saw the back of what I thought was Tricia rounding the corner of the Winery house....thing. But Tricia and Katee had on the same color jacket, so it was hard to tell through my Alcohol goggles...and my sunglasses had smudges on them and are so cheap. I lose them, you know...so I can't stand to buy expensive ones. Plus, I think Katee buys enough pricey sunglasses for the two of us, but don't tell her I said that. Ok? Alright back to it... I grab a bottle of this pretty good white wine. I'm more into White than Katee and Tricia. I can't deal...Red's HEAVY. And it gives me a headache, the tannins... the weird little French man said on that tour... something about tannins. So, I cut across the field and I see Katee, Tricia and this random girl lying in a circle ... with their feet in center. I didn't get very close to them because as I was walking I twisted my ankle on this root or rut... something sticking out of the ground. I fell, and that was it. I was done. I hit my head really hard and I think the bottle flew out of my hand and I landed on that hard surface as well. All I know is that when I woke up, I was lying in a bed and Katee was acting very strange." The Incident According to Tricia: "The first thing I remember about this particular incident is that Katee and Scott decided they needed to go for a walk. Stretch their legs or something. This happens because whenever Scott drinks, he gets really energetic. Like nothing I've ever seen. And Katee, well...she can hang with his hyperactivity when he's drinking which, I think, is probably why they work together. I have no desire to do a DAMN thing when I've been drinking. I would probably just encourage him to walk in circles or something in my general vicinity and we all know that only works on small kids, and even sometimes the kid looks at you like "do you REALLY have me just fetching a fucking ball for you while you sit on the couch and watch Tyra?" So yeah, um...they go for a walk. It was kind of funny because while they had every intention to walk down to the grape fields, they kinda ended up making these really broad obvious circles around this one tree in the distance. I just watched. I don't know, maybe it was only obvious to me...that they where walking in circles. I'm not so sure about either Katee or Scott's sense of direction - we did drive up here using a GPS. So I started getting hungry and decided to look for food. I think me or Scott killed the bag of chips. I'm not sure. All I know is that he's getting a year supply of Salt and Pepper Kettle chips courtesy of yours truly. But don't tell him that. That last part about his Christmas Gift is off the record. Ok? So yeah, he probably finished those chips because he loves the 'Salt and Pepper' kind but I was still hungry. I hadn't eaten all day. So, I decided despite the fact that we were in close proximity to a four star restaurant, that I really just wanted a Hoagie...and I also wanted Chicken Wings, and I was having the weirdest craving for Paella. I knew that I could get a Hoagie and Chicken Wings at the same restaurant, but I wasn't so sure about Paella. So, I just said "fuck it" and decided to call up the local Hooters to get all the food I could get my hands on in the middle of wine country like that. Now, I was far too drunk to drive, but I knew Scott could just walk there because he's so hyper. I don't know, I was pretty drunk to think that... now that I think about it...we probably could have just taken a cab. I decided to try and find Scott and place the To-Go order... for some reason, at the table I wasn't getting cell phone reception, so I got up and walked around the house...winery place. Which is when things got a little strange for me. There was a man holding a very large grape. Like....the size of a baseball. I started looking at that and looking up I saw Katee walking with this strange girl. She was dressed in white. That was it for me. I remember walking down the driveway of the Winery to try and hitch a ride to Hooters, and then I was in the restaurant of the winery eating a goat cheese salad with Scott and Katee and no one was talking." The Incident According to Katee: "Let me just....start this by saying that both Scott and Tricia were not only completely drunk, but they also had the misfortune of eating some Kettle chips that were contaminated with the remnants of some hallucinogenic fungi that grows on potatoes and which was not properly eradicated in the cooking process due to...something the hell or other I don't fucking know. SO essentially they were "Tripping their fucking asses off".... is like the nice way to describe their behavior. I had seen someone under the influence of a Mind Altering Substance before, so I was kinda hip to what was going on. So Tricia literally has her head INSIDE this bag of chips and she keeps saying "HOOTERS! HOOTERS!" I didn't see any owls and she wasn't particularly staring at my chest or manhandling her own, so I really had no idea what she was going on about. Then, suddenly, Scott just jumps up and says "I have to walk. You want to walk? I have to walk. let's walk. let's get out of here. I have to walk I HAVE TO WALK!" Since I wasn't in the mood to sit there and watch Tricia molest a bag of chips, I decided to get up and follow Scott. I looked back at Tricia, while she, for some reason, was in the middle of launching her cell phone over the Winery...House Place and I think she was yelling something about Spain. I think she maybe was a softball pitcher or something in High School, because her cell phone nearly cleared the top of the roof. It was really amazing. I guess in looking back at Tricia, Scott took this opportunity to "escape the confounds of the yard"...is what I thought I heard him say as I was watching Tricia's phone fly through the air... Either way, I lost him ...I turned my head back to him and he was gone... ran off or something... because the last thing I saw was his vague image vanish behind a row of grape vines in the distance. When I looked back again for Tricia, she was also gone. So I was alone, that was when I started heading in the opposite direction, because just across the other side of the yard was this nice valley with a train running through it...it was cool because you could look down from the valley and they had all these nice little houses down there with tons of character and the train would go through the bottom of the valley... it was just damn pretty...and that was where I ran into Kristen Stewart. She was just CHILLIN there. That was it. I freaked out in my mind, but then I was like "oh no...she's just HUMAN same way I'm just HUMAN despite all my bat shit crazy fans" So I walked up to her all "hey" and she was all "hey" We talked a bit but I never mentioned Twilight. I may have offered to buy her alcohol at one point, and she wondered how I knew she was underage. She didn't seem to recognize me, but I was OK with that. So we just went our separate ways. I'm not sure if she was staying at the same winery as we were, but either way I didn't see her again on that trip. But it was cool and chill. It made me happy." The Incident According to Kristen Stewart: "What?..................... OH! Yeah, someone DID offer to buy me alcohol there. That happened. Yes. That happened. It did. For sure. But I was high as a bitch at the time I barely remember...plus whoever it was...they were back lit, so I didn't actually know who I was dealing with at the time. I couldn't see their face at all." PART THREE: Katee Sackhoff and Kristen Stewart Fight For A Good Cause: Unlike the rumors, Katee and Kristen Stewart did not physically fight. At no time, actually, did either actress lay hands on one another. There was another chance encounter, and this time Kristen Stewart would know who she is dealing with. At an event called "Name Your Weird Indie-Movie" Katee and Kristen Stewart where both in attendance. Kristen was there for CakeSomethingOrOther (not the official title) and Katee was there because Boyfriend Scott was there for some movie that I would have to look up on IMDB and I don't feel like navigating away from this page. So that won't happen. They where both there, and as it turns out they DID have a common goal: and that goal was to not only "not die from Swine Flu" but raise awareness of said "flu", and they both knew that going to any red carpet event with the masks would raise the proper awareness that people needed to take this whateverDemic seriously. This was the point where Kristen Stewart and Katee made a formal, public introduction, and decided that between Katee's pull as the popular "Starbuck" and Kristen Stewarts pull as the popular "Bella Swan" that their combined resources could raise A LOT of internet awareness on Swine Flu. While this seemed like a good idea, and it was, to combine their resources, their executed plan was not so successful. PART FOUR: Swine Flu / Bobble Head Awareness Project We all remember the extremely creepy and unsuccessful "Bobble Head Doll" photo shoots that Katee and Kristen Stewart did? If not, here is a reminder: So while the series of "awareness" photos where extremely unsuccessful, it did allow for Katee's fans, the SPanks, to realize that she is also a regular person. (Except that she's WAY more awesome, with a much more bad ass jawline and arm muscles) and that she wants to be treated as she treated Kristen Stewart. (Except she doesn't, she wants people to obsess about her character TO her while taking a tons of pictures with the flash bulb all going off in her eyes every two seconds.) Fin.

Boyfriend Scott: Lover, Producer, Fear of Commitmenter

POSTED BY:  FatApolloLoveSpank 

 

BOYFRIEND SCOTT

Lover, Producer, Fear of Commitmenter

 

* * *

There is much about Scott Niemeyer’s life that remains a closely guarded secret, such as his age, where he was born, and whether or not he ever knew the joys of being a pet owner in his youth. The man we have all come to know and love as “Boyfriend Scott” has been deemed “not relevant” enough for the intimate details of his life to be published publicly on the Wikipedia machine. This renders him a mysterious enigma, and there are only a few verifiable facts that Team SPank can glean from this most super extra special sauce of Honorary Members.

What is available on the internet, essentially, is Boyfriend Scott’s work history. He has worked on at least 2 movies and may have worked on up to 33. Sometimes he’s executive producer and other times he’s just part of the “miscellaneous crew”. His role in “the business” change from day to day even though some people (The Katee Sackhoff) have claimed with much authority that he is, in fact, a “D.P.”. What those two letters stand for, we can really only guess. Dill Pickle? Dastardly Pirate? Duck-billed Platypus? We’re pretty sure it stands for none of these things.

Boyfriend "Producer-Suit" Scott and Katee "Holy-Fucking-Blue-Dress" Sackhoff

Very little is known about Boyfriend Scott other than the above cold, hard facts.

Does he like a variety of cheeses? What is his favorite Victorian era novel? Does global warming upset him in the slightest?

We may never know the answers to these questions (and I think they are the questions that are on everyone’s mind). But there is one thing we know about Boyfriend Scott that has nothing to do with his career in the slightest and is therefore deeply personal and completely inappropriate for Team SPank to discuss.
And that is that he likes The Katee Sackhoff. A lot.

Boyfriend Scott has been Katee’s “boyfriend” for about three “Cort and Fatboy” interviews now. Which….is a long time. Bunches of months, even (years and years). What we have surmised from his time spent with our TeamLeader is that he doesn’t like football, he is “in the business”, he’s “great”, and that we actually have no idea at all how he feels about football (but he probably doesn’t play it).

One of the most important keys to Boyfriend Scott’s character that we are aware of (through the magic of Tricia Helfer’s Blog) is that he rides “the motorbikes”. This makes him, undoubtedly “hip” and “too cool for school”, which is probably the main reason he’s been able to keep the attention of our TeamLeader. Team SPank has never claimed to be an expert on the motorbikes (and by “Team SPank” I, of course, mean “me”. There could actually be several motorbike experts on the Team that I am completely unaware of…because I care like that), so many hours of research later – after pouring over articles littered with words like “Harley” and “Suzuki” and “assless chaps” – it has been determined that Boyfriend Scott seems to favor the more “black” sort of motorbike with the two wheels.

From Left: T.Helf's Husband, T.Helf, The Sackhoff, Boyfriend Scott, Boyfriend Scott's Motorbike, Some Guy Who Is Also There

Unfortunately, with this awesome sauce hobby comes Boyfriend Scott’s only vice; The Infamous Half-Helmet.

Many dozens of several times, Boyfriend Scott has been seen “on the streets” with The Katee Sackhoff and their respective motorbikes. And each of these times Team SPank has been met with the horrifying confirmation that Boyfriend Scott not only wears “the half-helmet atrocity”, but that he has somehow managed to trick our wholesome, sensible, completely innocent TeamLeader into also donning the half-completely-useless “safety” gear. It has been thought by some that perhaps this was determined to be a good idea by Boyfriend Scott because it made the pair of them look like adorably retro “twins”. And yeah, it does.

The Adorably Retroly Twinish Yet Unpractical Half-Helmets

But still.

Poor-Helmet-Judgment aside, Boyfriend Scott would appear to lead an exemplary life…which none of us know anything about, really. Apart from producing and motorbiking, we also know that Boyfriend Scott (1) probably doesn’t enjoy wine as much as The Katee Sackhoff and T-Helf (does anyone?) (2) and he likes to hold hands sometimes. (3) Also, occasionally, when the moment is right, he’ll ride in a limo.

(1)

(2)

(3)

Also, according to the TeamLeader, Boyfriend Scott exhibits a very typical and respectable trait. And that is the nearly irrepressible urge to “run the other way” when faced with the idea of commitment. Word on the street is that The Katee Sackhoff mentioned this fear of his in some article of some magazine that no one in the entirety of Team SPank has ever seen or read. His friends then “made fun of him about it”, and The Katee Sackhoff confirmed that she, too, is a fear of commitmenter unless there are children involved. And since children, in general, repulse The Katee Sackhoff (Team SPank (me)) I think they have several more blissful years of lack of commitmenting ahead of them.

* * *

* * *

Erick Sackhoff: Brother, Taco Bell Eater, One True Spanker

POSTED BY:  LittleSpank 

 

A few things are known about Erick Sackhoff.

One thing we know upon looking at his last name is that it’s a weird foreign last name. (It’s pronounced Sack-off.) Erick’s group of friends are the ones we can thank for the nick name “Spank” but let us just explore the potential nicknames that he could have gotten from that nickname had his friends not been teenage boys obsessed with touching themselves at the time he was likely give this nickname (because “spank” or more commonly known as “spank the monkey” is another term for “jerking off” which is a slang way to say “masturbate”).

So had his friends not been overly obsessed with their body parts, he could have been called a number of different things. One of the likely possibilities is that he could have been called “no pouch”. They could have taken “Sack” and changed it to “pouch” and been like “pouch off, is kinda like NOT having a pouch, so let’s call him ‘no pouch’” So that would have made Katee “LittleNoPouch” and their mother “MaNoPouch.”

While these nicknames, if looked at from a certain perspective are very appropriate for Katee and Her mother, they where obviously not OK by Erick and his friends. This is probably because Erick’s friends liked him, so they wanted to give him a nickname that didn’t emasculate him, but one that just made it obvious that this group of boys thought masturbation was funny (because let’s face it, it is. The word “spank” is funny and the word “masturbation” is even funnier. I keep saying it over and over again in hopes that this article will come up on a Google search when people are trying to look up something they really SHOULDN’T be looking up).

The only substantial information source on Erick (on the entire internet, including Wikipedia) is Katee Sackhoff.

Not only is she one of the only sources, but it is really only during Cort and Fatboy interviews that she talks about him, and we assume, based on the stuff she says during these interviews that she is “slightly” to “very” intoxicated. So with that being said, we’re not really sure how accurate the information is that she is telling us. The only thing to consider here is that Erick actually went into a Cort and Fatboy interview with her. This basically means that he was either just as drunk as she was during this one interview, or what she says about her brother (and mother and boyfriend) is a fact and can be reported as such (by me).

The first true fact we know about Erick (because he can be heard saying this at the interview) is that Katee is from St. Helen’s. So, I assume since he is the older sibling that he was also born in this mysterious town in Oregon. The reasoning behind him saying that she was from there, was because he was given a list of things by his mother to NOT mention during the interview. Things like “weed, racism and Taco Bell” and his response was sic “(you) can talk about pot head racism because you’re from St. Helen’s.”

Apparently Erick thinks this “being from St. Helens” thing gives him an excuse to like the show Heroes over Battlestar Galactica. When pressed further about why he likes Heroes over BSG he was like “Well, the first time I saw my little sister doing a sex scene I threw up in my mouth, that doesn’t happen on Heroes.” He was questioning how he could be the “protective older brother” when his little sister is orgasmicly shouting out “Lee! LEE!” on the television screen in front of him. Katee’s response was “that’s not my O face” (and the discomfort did not stop there).

As pay back for Erick “beating her up” as a kid, she talked about her blow job technique and how it could possibly pertain to Edward James Olmos. Erick’s response was to criticize her singing. Although, he didn’t really criticize it, so much as he said it was “you know, alright or whatever”.

Katee 1, Erick 0.

Based on this back and fourth, it would appear that Katee has found a way to torture her older brother. Which, is really one of the most natural things any sibling pair can do once they reach adult age. The younger one has a lot of pent up aggression based on the years being tricked, outsmarted and tortured by the older sibling. The older sibling, on the other hand, really doesn’t care. In order to work out the pent up aggression, the younger sibling will find ways to “torture”, “trick” or “outsmart” the older sibling (in this case, it was Katee getting her brother to watch a sex scene involving her calling out Lee’s name in a fit of sexual ecstasy, and Erick going “GAH! SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!”. That’s Katee – 2, Erick – Still Zero).

Despite Erick’s love for Heroes and apparent hate for Battlestar Galactica, in a rare (probably drunken) moment, Katee Sackhoff told her legions of fans that the character of Starbuck was actually based on her brother, Erick. To some of her more sexually confused (supposedly “straight” female) fans, this came as a huge relief. Something along the lines of “Woah. What a relief! Starbuck isn’t turning me a little less straight every day she is in my life! In reality I have a giant crush on this fictional character that is actually based on a dude. Which means technically I haven’t completely abandoned my heterosexual lifestyle despite all these weird confusing feelings!”

But then things get a little more confusing, because if Starbuck is based on a guy, and she likes to have wild sex with guys, then what does that make her? Is she actually just a gay man in a woman’s body? I think the technical term is transsexual. But, does that make all of us all hopefully in love with a gay man?

At some point, Katee hatched a plan to get Erick to be an extra or have a minor speaking role in an episode of Battlestar Galactica. He wanted to be on the show as a person with special powers, like in Heroes, but she thought he would better serve as Adama and Roslin’s “Fleet Wheat” dealer.

Considering he has a child, this was soon ruled out as “a terrible idea.”

So Erick continues to not watch Battlestar Galactica and watch Heroes instead. He continues to eat Taco Bell and not be a bad boy pot head. He continues to probably be pretty cool, and if not he’s the sibling of Katee Sackhoff, which means there are good genes there, despite their self proclaimed “St. Helen’s” origins. (Wikipedia was no help on why people from St. Helen’s think it’s OK to be a fan of Heroes of Battlestar Galactica.)