| Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight |
Katee Sackhoff Loves Twilight By DJ SPank It has recently come to the attention of the SPanks that Katee Sackhoff is a huge fan of The Twilight Saga: Twilight. Whether or not she is a fan of the rest of the books or movies remains to be seen. I have taken it upon myself to do some research on Katee's Fan Girlness when it comes to The Twilight Saga: Twilight, and quickly learned that Katee Sackhoff is as big a fan of Twilight as the Spanks are a fan of her. (Katee, I meant... in case you didn't know who "her" was because sometimes my sentences run on and on and you don't know if "her" is "Katee" or if the her is "Kristen Stewart" or if the her is actually a "him" or an "it" like...Boyfriend Scott or Twilight the actual movie.) Katee first discovered the Twilight Saga when she was on the set of the late Battlestar Galactica. She and co-star Jamie Bamber, were discussing what "motivates" their characters because as we all know, Starbuck was bat shit fucking crazy and not even Katee Sackhoff knew how to handle the character. For Bamber, he felt that his character, Apollo, really identified with the main character in the Twilight saga, Bella. Needless to say, Katee had no desire to delve further into a character that did not belong to her. A few days later, she was killing time between a shoot, and noticed the apple on the front cover and thought "hmm...I'm kinda hungry" so naturally, she read the book. She was able to read the first half of it in that one sitting, then she forgot it existed. This was not much of a surprise, considering how the Twilight book (itself) kinda blows large chunks. One day, as fate would have it, she was getting drunk on some wine looking up Tricia Helfer fan videos on YouTube where she happened upon a link to the Trailer of Twilight. (The "related video" path she took to get her from "Tricia Helfer Fan Vids" to "Twilight" is still a bit of mystery, but my hypothesis is that it was that Michael Westen/Carla Shipper video to "Flightless Bird" which eventually led her to the Twilight trailer.) She watched the trailer and like any normal human being was all, "OH! Totally need to FINISH THAT SHIT!", so she borrowed the book from Jamie, who was now on Breaking Dawn, and not really liking where it was taking Bella/Lee's character. Moving onto the next three books was somewhat of an easy task. She was now done with Battlestar Galactica and mainly just sitting around with Boyfriend Scott and drinking wine. No one is arguing with the notion that THIS is the best way to enjoy the Twilight Saga (drunk, that is). So, upon finishing the book, and having downtime after Battlestar Galactica was over, she decided to "act like a fan" when it came to Twilight. It is not very clear if the night she had with Breaking Dawn sent her from "oh, I like it alright" to "TWILIGHT SQUEE FUCKING SQUEEE!" (in later interviews, even Boyfriend Scott has no idea how this table turned, and neither do we.) So while Katee, for all intents and purposes, went off the grid... neglecting the convention circuit, a very rare photo of her surfaced: to Force Her to Forget About The Twilight Saga: Twilight  Peeling Katee away from the Twilight phenomena proved to be more difficult than either Tricia or Boyfriend Scott anticipated. In the picture above, Katee whipped out a bootleg DVD of Twilight in an attempt to get Tricia to watch the movie with her. As they were prying the DVD from her hand, a series of events would happen, that would change Katee's life...forever.  Katee was able to compose herself long enough to form a plan. She thought this exactly - "OH MY FUCKING SQUEE FUCK!" - upon seeing Kristen Stewart, (Bella in The Twilight Saga: Twilight), juggling balls in the middle the field of grapes. Katee was going to use her celebrity to her advantage, or at least just remember how she wants people to act around her, and she decided right then "Ok, I'm going to be cool about this." The events that took place after their chance encounter are hazy... at best. In subsequent interviews with Katee, Tricia, Boyfriend Scott and Kristen Stewart, it's impossible to get a coherent time line or even a realistic series of events that seem even slightly believable. Much Like the New Testament, The Gospel According to Mathew, Mark, Luke and John, it's four different stories about ONE singular event. So, I will do exactly what the Catholic Church did, I'll tell you all four stories from the four different points of view. The Incident According to Boyfriend Scott: "I was a little drunk. As you can see in the picture, I'm not sure if I was falling or Katee was falling but either way, we were pretty shitty drunk. Tricia was back at the table stuffing her face with those Kettle Chips. You know the ones? I, personally, like the New York Cheddar ones and the Spicy Thai, but Tricia goes crazy over the basic "Salt and Pepper" ones or whatever they are. The bag is brown. Tricia GETS the munchies. Her husband warned me about that. Something about her getting wine drunk then "raiding the pantry".... Back to the story, Katee and I decided to stumble or walk or whatever though the field and I SWEAR to you Katee took off running. I mean she just....ran away from me. Maybe that's the picture there... Her trying to leave. Who...the hell took that picture? Ok... So Katee just hauls ass running away and I'm like "BABE! WHERE....ARE YOU GOING!" I was yelling after her and she didn't respond. Now, Katee has this problem with her hearing, where she can't hear a certain tone...or pitch of my voice after she's had any kind of mind altering substance. I'm talking stuff like Aspirin, anything like that. She'll be all "my calf muscle hurts" then I'll give her some Advil or Aspirin or some Ibuprofen and then about twenty minutes later I'm in the kitchen trying to ask her if I should put the onions in the saute pan and she's chopping up bell Peppers and I'm just going, "Katee....Katee......Katee........Katee. The Incident According to Tricia: "The first thing I remember about this particular incident is that Katee and Scott decided they needed to go for a walk. Stretch their legs or something. This happens because whenever Scott drinks, he gets really energetic. Like nothing I've ever seen. And Katee, well...she can hang with his hyperactivity when he's drinking which, I think, is probably why they work together. I have no desire to do a DAMN thing when I've been drinking. I would probably just encourage him to walk in circles or something in my general vicinity and we all know that only works on small kids, and even sometimes the kid looks at you like "do you REALLY have me just fetching a fucking ball for you while you sit on the couch and watch Tyra?" So yeah, um...they go for a walk. It was kind of funny because while they had every intention to walk down to the grape fields, they kinda ended up making these really broad obvious circles around this one tree in the distance. I just watched. I don't know, maybe it was only obvious to me...that they where walking in circles. I'm not so sure about either Katee or Scott's sense of direction - we did drive up here using a GPS. So I started getting hungry and decided to look for food. I think me or Scott killed the bag of chips. I'm not sure. All I know is that he's getting a year supply of Salt and Pepper Kettle chips courtesy of yours truly. But don't tell him that. That last part about his Christmas Gift is off the record. Ok? So yeah, he probably finished those chips because he loves the 'Salt and Pepper' kind but I was still hungry. I hadn't eaten all day. So, I decided despite the fact that we were in close proximity to a four star restaurant, that I really just wanted a Hoagie...and I also wanted Chicken Wings, and I was having the weirdest craving for Paella. I knew that I could get a Hoagie and Chicken Wings at the same restaurant, but I wasn't so sure about Paella. So, I just said "fuck it" and decided to call up the local Hooters to get all the food I could get my hands on in the middle of wine country like that. Now, I was far too drunk to drive, but I knew Scott could just walk there because he's so hyper. I don't know, I was pretty drunk to think that... now that I think about it...we probably could have just taken a cab. I decided to try and find Scott and place the To-Go order... for some reason, at the table I wasn't getting cell phone reception, so I got up and walked around the house...winery place. Which is when things got a little strange for me. There was a man holding a very large grape. Like....the size of a baseball. I started looking at that and looking up I saw Katee walking with this strange girl. She was dressed in white. That was it for me. I remember walking down the driveway of the Winery to try and hitch a ride to Hooters, and then I was in the restaurant of the winery eating a goat cheese salad with Scott and Katee and no one was talking." The Incident According to Katee: "Let me just....start this by saying that both Scott and Tricia were not only completely drunk, but they also had the misfortune of eating some Kettle chips that were contaminated with the remnants of some hallucinogenic fungi that grows on potatoes and which was not properly eradicated in the cooking process due to...something the hell or other I don't fucking know. SO essentially they were "Tripping their fucking asses off".... is like the nice way to describe their behavior. I had seen someone under the influence of a Mind Altering Substance before, so I was kinda hip to what was going on. So Tricia literally has her head INSIDE this bag of chips and she keeps saying "HOOTERS! HOOTERS!" I didn't see any owls and she wasn't particularly staring at my chest or manhandling her own, so I really had no idea what she was going on about. Then, suddenly, Scott just jumps up and says "I have to walk. You want to walk? I have to walk. let's walk. let's get out of here. I have to walk I HAVE TO WALK!" Since I wasn't in the mood to sit there and watch Tricia molest a bag of chips, I decided to get up and follow Scott. I looked back at Tricia, while she, for some reason, was in the middle of launching her cell phone over the Winery...House Place and I think she was yelling something about Spain. I think she maybe was a softball pitcher or something in High School, because her cell phone nearly cleared the top of the roof. It was really amazing. I guess in looking back at Tricia, Scott took this opportunity to "escape the confounds of the yard"...is what I thought I heard him say as I was watching Tricia's phone fly through the air... Either way, I lost him ...I turned my head back to him and he was gone... ran off or something... because the last thing I saw was his vague image vanish behind a row of grape vines in the distance. When I looked back again for Tricia, she was also gone. So I was alone, that was when I started heading in the opposite direction, because just across the other side of the yard was this nice valley with a train running through it...it was cool because you could look down from the valley and they had all these nice little houses down there with tons of character and the train would go through the bottom of the valley... it was just damn pretty...and that was where I ran into Kristen Stewart. She was just CHILLIN there. That was it. I freaked out in my mind, but then I was like "oh no...she's just HUMAN same way I'm just HUMAN despite all my bat shit crazy fans" So I walked up to her all "hey" and she was all "hey" We talked a bit but I never mentioned Twilight. I may have offered to buy her alcohol at one point, and she wondered how I knew she was underage. She didn't seem to recognize me, but I was OK with that. So we just went our separate ways. I'm not sure if she was staying at the same winery as we were, but either way I didn't see her again on that trip. But it was cool and chill. It made me happy." The Incident According to Kristen Stewart: "What?..................... OH! Yeah, someone DID offer to buy me alcohol there. That happened. Yes. That happened. It did. For sure. But I was high as a bitch at the time I barely remember...plus whoever it was...they were back lit, so I didn't actually know who I was dealing with at the time. I couldn't see their face at all." Unlike the rumors, Katee and Kristen Stewart did not physically fight. At no time, actually, did either actress lay hands on one another. There was another chance encounter, and this time Kristen Stewart would know who she is dealing with. At an event called "Name Your Weird Indie-Movie" Katee and Kristen Stewart where both in attendance. Kristen was there for CakeSomethingOrOther (not the official title) and Katee was there because Boyfriend Scott was there for some movie that I would have to look up on IMDB and I don't feel like navigating away from this page. So that won't happen. They where both there, and as it turns out they DID have a common goal:  and that goal was to not only "not die from Swine Flu" but raise awareness of said "flu", and they both knew that going to any red carpet event with the masks would raise the proper awareness that people needed to take this whateverDemic seriously. This was the point where Kristen Stewart and Katee made a formal, public introduction, and decided that between Katee's pull as the popular "Starbuck" and Kristen Stewarts pull as the popular "Bella Swan" that their combined resources could raise A LOT of internet awareness on Swine Flu. While this seemed like a good idea, and it was, to combine their resources, their executed plan was not so successful. We all remember the extremely creepy and unsuccessful "Bobble Head Doll" photo shoots that Katee and Kristen Stewart did? If not, here is a reminder: So while the series of "awareness" photos where extremely unsuccessful, it did allow for Katee's fans, the SPanks, to realize that she is also a regular person. (Except that she's WAY more awesome, with a much more bad ass jawline and arm muscles) and that she wants to be treated as she treated Kristen Stewart. (Except she doesn't, she wants people to obsess about her character TO her while taking a tons of pictures with the flash bulb all going off in her eyes every two seconds.) Fin. |
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