Saturday, June 6, 2009

Erick Sackhoff: Brother, Taco Bell Eater, One True Spanker

POSTED BY:  LittleSpank 
 
A few things are known about Erick Sackhoff.

One thing we know upon looking at his last name is that it’s a weird foreign last name. (It’s pronounced Sack-off.) Erick’s group of friends are the ones we can thank for the nick name “Spank” but let us just explore the potential nicknames that he could have gotten from that nickname had his friends not been teenage boys obsessed with touching themselves at the time he was likely give this nickname (because “spank” or more commonly known as “spank the monkey” is another term for “jerking off” which is a slang way to say “masturbate”).

So had his friends not been overly obsessed with their body parts, he could have been called a number of different things. One of the likely possibilities is that he could have been called “no pouch”. They could have taken “Sack” and changed it to “pouch” and been like “pouch off, is kinda like NOT having a pouch, so let’s call him ‘no pouch’” So that would have made Katee “LittleNoPouch” and their mother “MaNoPouch.”

While these nicknames, if looked at from a certain perspective are very appropriate for Katee and Her mother, they where obviously not OK by Erick and his friends. This is probably because Erick’s friends liked him, so they wanted to give him a nickname that didn’t emasculate him, but one that just made it obvious that this group of boys thought masturbation was funny (because let’s face it, it is. The word “spank” is funny and the word “masturbation” is even funnier. I keep saying it over and over again in hopes that this article will come up on a Google search when people are trying to look up something they really SHOULDN’T be looking up).

The only substantial information source on Erick (on the entire internet, including Wikipedia) is Katee Sackhoff.

Not only is she one of the only sources, but it is really only during Cort and Fatboy interviews that she talks about him, and we assume, based on the stuff she says during these interviews that she is “slightly” to “very” intoxicated. So with that being said, we’re not really sure how accurate the information is that she is telling us. The only thing to consider here is that Erick actually went into a Cort and Fatboy interview with her. This basically means that he was either just as drunk as she was during this one interview, or what she says about her brother (and mother and boyfriend) is a fact and can be reported as such (by me).

The first true fact we know about Erick (because he can be heard saying this at the interview) is that Katee is from St. Helen’s. So, I assume since he is the older sibling that he was also born in this mysterious town in Oregon. The reasoning behind him saying that she was from there, was because he was given a list of things by his mother to NOT mention during the interview. Things like “weed, racism and Taco Bell” and his response was sic “(you) can talk about pot head racism because you’re from St. Helen’s.”

Apparently Erick thinks this “being from St. Helens” thing gives him an excuse to like the show Heroes over Battlestar Galactica. When pressed further about why he likes Heroes over BSG he was like “Well, the first time I saw my little sister doing a sex scene I threw up in my mouth, that doesn’t happen on Heroes.” He was questioning how he could be the “protective older brother” when his little sister is orgasmicly shouting out “Lee! LEE!” on the television screen in front of him. Katee’s response was “that’s not my O face” (and the discomfort did not stop there).
As pay back for Erick “beating her up” as a kid, she talked about her blow job technique and how it could possibly pertain to Edward James Olmos. Erick’s response was to criticize her singing. Although, he didn’t really criticize it, so much as he said it was “you know, alright or whatever”.

Katee 1, Erick 0.


Based on this back and fourth, it would appear that Katee has found a way to torture her older brother. Which, is really one of the most natural things any sibling pair can do once they reach adult age. The younger one has a lot of pent up aggression based on the years being tricked, outsmarted and tortured by the older sibling. The older sibling, on the other hand, really doesn’t care. In order to work out the pent up aggression, the younger sibling will find ways to “torture”, “trick” or “outsmart” the older sibling (in this case, it was Katee getting her brother to watch a sex scene involving her calling out Lee’s name in a fit of sexual ecstasy, and Erick going “GAH! SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!”. That’s Katee – 2, Erick – Still Zero).

Despite Erick’s love for Heroes and apparent hate for Battlestar Galactica, in a rare (probably drunken) moment, Katee Sackhoff told her legions of fans that the character of Starbuck was actually based on her brother, Erick. To some of her more sexually confused (supposedly “straight” female) fans, this came as a huge relief. Something along the lines of “Woah. What a relief! Starbuck isn’t turning me a little less straight every day she is in my life! In reality I have a giant crush on this fictional character that is actually based on a dude. Which means technically I haven’t completely abandoned my heterosexual lifestyle despite all these weird confusing feelings!”

But then things get a little more confusing, because if Starbuck is based on a guy, and she likes to have wild sex with guys, then what does that make her? Is she actually just a gay man in a woman’s body? I think the technical term is transsexual. But, does that make all of us all hopefully in love with a gay man?

At some point, Katee hatched a plan to get Erick to be an extra or have a minor speaking role in an episode of Battlestar Galactica. He wanted to be on the show as a person with special powers, like in Heroes, but she thought he would better serve as Adama and Roslin’s “Fleet Wheat” dealer.

Considering he has a child, this was soon ruled out as “a terrible idea.”
So Erick continues to not watch Battlestar Galactica and watch Heroes instead. He continues to eat Taco Bell and not be a bad boy pot head. He continues to probably be pretty cool, and if not he’s the sibling of Katee Sackhoff, which means there are good genes there, despite their self proclaimed “St. Helen’s” origins. (Wikipedia was no help on why people from St. Helen’s think it’s OK to be a fan of Heroes of Battlestar Galactica.)

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